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Sunday, 9 February 2025

"Are you a man or are you a mouse?” The thick plottens....

 

                                                 



Hey guys! Listen up! Don’t forget that this month, we celebrate the three days when all women rightfully acknowledge that the man is always right. That would be the 29th, 30th and 31st of February.

Another important date is tomorrow, namely Valentines Day! Looking for some guidance here: What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentines Day? Is it: six or a dozen, or the whole tin? Last February 14 was a total disaster and she ended up in Tameside A & E. I told the matron that my wife had choked on a Quality Street chocolate. The matron asked me: “The purple one?” I sez: “Yes. That’s her!”


The powers that be at Manchester United have maintained that they will not under any circumstances sell Garnacho to any of their rivals. So that rules out Ipswich, Southampton, Leicester, Wolves, Everton and Spurs.

He's blessed with good fortune that Marcus Rashford. He's moved from 13th to 8th, without even kicking a ball.

Well, Barmy Albert was absolutely flabbergasted! He’d spent forty-eight hours on a trolley in the corridor at hospital A & E after getting covered in camouflage paint and he still hasn’t been seen.

I can't believe people are comparing Trump to Satan. Yes, I wholeheartedly concur that he's evil, but certainly not as evil as Trump...

I just parked my car at the hospital when the carpark attendant shouted over to me, "You can't park there, that's for badge holders only!” "That’s okay " I replied "I've got a bad shoulder."

                                             



Q) What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

A) A chicken sees a salad....




                                     



There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.



I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.



The bloke who cuts keys and repairs shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!



I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez, "No, did it sound Chinese?”

                                                                



Breaking News: Police in Liverpool have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 Kalashnikov semi-automatic rifles, together with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked illegal immigrants, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We’re totally gobsmacked. We never knew we had a Library." No doubt both books it contained had already been coloured in!



Thought for Thursday: A man fleeing war takes his wife and children. A man going to war, leaves them behind.



The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down Scropton Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me: “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy glare she gave me would have knocked a buzzard off a tip!



Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and pooed on my lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him! The missus exclaimed: “You’re no gonna put up with that are you?” I replied: “Well what can I do?” She then asked me: “Are you a man or are you a mouse?” she continued: “You can go and get a shovel and throw it over next doors fence!” So, now I have a lawn full of dog poo and no shovel!”



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                              

Saturday, 1 February 2025

A simple yes or no answer?

 

                                        



The missus sez to me yesterday: “I’m going to ask you a question and I just want a simple yes or no answer.” I sez: “Go on then. Ask away.” She replied: “Why do you tell jokes about blondes?”

Top Tips: The secret to a lasting marriage is tools. Tools ~ Accounts ~ Internet Options ~ Delete History.

Visiting a friend in Tameside Hospital, this bloke turned to me and shouted: “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face”. Then a woman with a face like a pirate’s flag hollered: “Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie.” I asked the matron: “Is this a Psychiatric Ward?” She replied: “No, it’s the Burns Unit!”

I got talking to a woman at my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and she curtly informed me she had just divorced a professional footballer. I sez: “Oh really. Was it messy?”

This random woman sauntered out of Iceland and a packet of frozen fish fell out of her carrier bag and dropped onto the tarmacadam. So, Barmy Albert picked it up and bunged it in his shopping trolley. Non-Stick Nora exclaimed: "That doesn't belong to us, give it back to that lady." "Findus Kippers", Albert replied.

Fascinating Fact: I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish at it. Lance is still in prison.

                   

  

This girl from Stalybridge finds out she's pregnant. She's only sixteen. Even worse, it's twins. After much soul-searching, she has the babies, which turn out to be identical. She then gives them up for adoption. Time passes, and many years later her maternal instincts drive her to find out what happened to them. Following a great deal of investigation of the internet, she discovers that one of them was adopted by a Spanish couple, and was christened Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and named Amal. She manages to trace the Spanish couple, and contacts them. They send her a photograph of the boy, who is now a fine young man. Unfortunately, she is unable to discover the whereabouts of the Egyptian couple. As she sits in her mother's house in Mossley, she looks lovingly at the photo of her long-lost son. "Oh, Mother," she says, "I'm so happy to be able to see one of my sons, but how I wish I could also see his brother as he is today." "Don't worry," says her mother, "they're identical. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Barmy Albert ran home from work and pulled Non-Stick Nora into the bedroom, hurled her onto the mattress and then pulled the duvet over them! Nora was astounded, because Albert had not acted like this for many years. Suddenly, Albert shouted: “Look! My new watch! It glows in the dark!”

I had an argument with the waitress in the Scropton Street Cafeteria. I refused to pay the bill. She asked me why, because I’d ordered 42 coffees. I said: “No I didn’t! I ordered 4 tea, two coffees!”

After putting on so much weight after Christmas, the wife caught me holding my stomach in, whilst standing on the bathroom scales. She sez: “That’s not going to have any effect, you moron!” I replied: “It does. It’s the only way that I can see the numbers!” She then announced: “I’m leaving you for 29 different reasons, plus your obsession with tennis.” I replied: “That’s 30 Love!” I told her I’d see her at court. That’s when the fight started!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant and when it came time to settle the account, it turned out that the skunk didn’t possess a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill!
                                             




Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was perched at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind. This fella approached her and sez: “Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?” “Yes, I am aware of that” replied Elsie. “But I need my hands to hold onto my hat” “But madam you must know that your derriere is exposed for all to see!” Elsie sighed and looked down, then back up at the bloke and declared: “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!