The trigonometry equation farrago....

                                        

Following the London and Manchester marathons last Sunday, I went for a jog, but came back home after a minute. The reason being, I’m morbidly obese and can’t run for more than a minute. It’s much better to try and run a half-marathon, rather than say “I gave up halfway through a marathon. Follow me every week for more fitness tips.

The missus arrived back from her driving test. "So" I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied. "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad. What did he pull you up on?" "A rope" she replied. "The car's still in the river!"

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “You’re very good at mathematics aren’t you?” Albert replied: “I’m absolutely brilliant at sums and everything involving numbers and equations trigonometry.” Nora replied: “Right then, riddle me this. If I cut a cake into 3 equal pieces, each portion will be 0.333 of the main piece, do you agree?” Albert wholeheartedly concurred with this theory. Nora continued: “Right. If we multiply 3 x 0.333, we get 0.999. so, whatever happened to the 0.001?” Albert was totally perplexed and admitted that he didn’t know. Nora exclaimed: “You will find it on the knife!”

                                         

 

The most fascinating story about Non-Stick Nora was when she visited a casino in Manchester. She seemed a tad intoxicated and bet five thousand quid on a single roll of the dice. She sez to the dealer: “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel luckier when I’m totally naked!” With that, she disrobed all her clothes and shouted: “Come on, Dicey McDiceface, Nora needs some new clobber!” and rolled the dice. As the dice came to a stop, Nora jumped and screamed: “Yes! I won! I won!” She hugged each dealer, picked up her winnings and all her clothes and promptly left the premises. The dealers were totally gobsmacked and gazed at each other dumbfounded and bewildered at what had just happened. Finally, one of them asked: What number did she roll on the dice?” The other dealer sez: “I’ve no idea. I thought that you were watching!” The moral of the story is: Not all drunks are drunk. Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men….

                                     

  

Thought for Thursday: 90% of the things that I worry about, never happen. Worrying works!

Barmy Albert came home from work and found Nora on the porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going. She curtly informed him that she was off to Las Vegas. He questioned as to why. Nora replied: “I’ve just discovered that I can earn £500 per night, doing exactly what I do for you for free!” Albert thought for a moment and then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch. Nora asked him: “And just where do you think that you’re going?” Albert declared: “I’m coming with you!” “Why? Nora replied. Albert sez: “I want to see how you are going to live on £1,000 a year!”

BREAKING NEWS: A new airplane has been developed that cannot crash. It is to be manufactured from rubber polymers. It was invented by Boeing-Boeing-Boeing.

                         

 

Tommy Grabknuckle's son Alfie came and told him that he was thinking of getting married. Tommy told him to say “Sorry.” Alfie sez: “For what exactly?” Tommy repeated: “Just say sorry.” Alfie didn’t understand and opined: “What am I saying sorry for, dad? At least tell me the reason.” Tommy insisted that he first said “Sorry.” Alfie eventually gave in and announced: “Okay dad, I’m sorry.” Tommy then told him: “Now you are ready for marriage. Your training is complete. You’ve actually learned to say sorry, for no apparent reason whatsoever.”

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the showbiz community, namely The Pilsbury Dough Boy, who sadly passed away yesterday after suffering a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the abdominal area. He was 62. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Ken Dough-Nagasaki. Plus they had one in the oven. Service will be held next Friday at 3-50 for approximately 20 minutes. (Gas mark 7).

Fascinating Fact: Rich people have fancy labels on their designer clothes. Happy people have dog hair on them.

                

I’m a free spirit. I do free spirit gubbins. So please don’t look at me in a confused manner, just gaze at me in wonderment and then you too will draw massive inspiration from my profound eccentricity and emulate my loopiness in your everyday routine. Visit my website: www.comedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now, get back to work!

                               

 

The MUM-RUOK? App...

                                                    

Judges at the UK Supreme Court have unanimously ruled that a woman is defined by biological sex under equalities law. This ruling has confused my mate Dave, who has a Wigan address.

Barmy Albert has recently bought a new dog. He’s called it Fergie. It's quite a clever little canine. Whenever Manchester United lose, it lies down, when they draw it sits up! I had to ask him, "What does he do when they win?" He sez: : "Dunno. I’ve only had it for five weeks!"

Fifty year-old Chester Draws whole life fell apart when his missus left him. Apparently, she went out for a litre of milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping. He replied: “Luckily, I had a tin of that powdered stuff”. Anyway, in an effort to rekindle a fresh relationship, he had a blind date last week, but was most concerned what to do if she turned out to be some manner of harridan. I told him about this new app that you could download onto your phone, precisely for this type of situation. The app is called “MUM-RUOK?” and you set it to ring your phone just after you link up with your date. If you find her attractive, then you merely ignore your phone. However, if you decide to make a quick getaway, because she is a strumpet, then you answer the phone and say: “Mum. Are you okay? What’s the matter?” Then you make your excuses and employ your exit strategy. It works every time with no problems. As things would pan out, Chester had no worries whatsoever, because the girl was absolutely stunning and gorgeous. Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and sez: “Hello, mum. Are you okay? What’s the matter?”

My agent called me and I had to turn down the offer a gig last week in the Middle East. He wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said no, no, no!”

Non-Stick Nora told me of a strange new trend at where she works. Apparently, people are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today she had a tuna sandwich called Sharon.

What with all the tariff kerfuffle that Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump has caused, King Charles has downgraded Trump's State Visit Dinner to brunch with Prince Andrew at Pizza Express in Woking Trump supporters don't care what the rest of the world thinks. That's because they don't know where the rest of the world is.

                               

  

Fascinating fact: The Flat Earth Society has members all over the globe.

How to deal with an unknown number ringing:

1. Pause drinking tea to exclaim: “Flamin’ Nora! Who could this be now?”

2. Watch phone intently, until it eventually stops ringing.

3. Google the number.

4. See “472 people have recently searched for this number. This number is primarily associated with scam activity. The overall user rating for this number is negative.”

5. Block the number.

6. Go back to drinking tea.

                                             

David Bowie often told the story about the joke he stole from John and played on his fans. Bowie explains that he was vacationing with John in Hong Kong when a young boy runs up to John and asks, “Are you John Lennon?’ And he said, ‘No but I wish I had his money.’ Which I promptly stole for myself. [imitating a fan] ‘Are you David Bowie?’ No, but I wish I had his money. It’s brilliant. The kid said, ‘Oh, sorry. Of course, you aren’t,’ and ran off. I thought, ‘This is the most effective device I’ve heard. Bowie used this technique throughout his life. He explains what happened a few months later “I was in New York and a voice pipes up in my ear, ‘Are you David Bowie?’ And I said, ‘No, but I wish I had his money.’ “You lying swine!. You wish you had my money.” It was John Lennon.



Whilst visiting North Wales yesterday, I only had one can of orange fizzy pop left so I had my last Tango in Powys.



As I get older, I’ve discovered that I only need three local shops to survive. They are Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. Nowadays, my life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls…



I took a long, hard look at myself this morning. I won't be doing that again. One minute you're young and carefree, and the next minute your idea of excitement is drinking your coffee while it's still hot. I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                              

                                                               

Take your pick, which one do you fancy?

                                  

                                    

The 237 bus was packed yesterday and there was a massive queue to board it. Suddenly, there was a ‘kerching’ on the pavement. One fella, however, bent down and picked summat up. He then asked, “Did anyone drop a two quid coin?” “I did,” answered five men in unison. “Well,” said the fella with a smile, “here’s two pence of it.” The moral of this story? If somebody ever says to you "it’s not the money, it’s the principle," then it’s definitely the money. Furthermore, the longer you wait in a queue the more likely it is to be the wrong queue.

Q) What is Man Utd goalkeeper André Onana’s favourite colour?

A) Indigo.



Who could it be? My top three assumptions whenever the doorbell rings are: 1) Mad axe murderer. 2) Jehovah’s Witnesses. 3) Amazon delivering that book I ordered about positive thinking.

 

Fascinating Fact: The EuroMillions lottery gives you a one in two hundred million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

                                 

 



Take your pick, which one do you fancy? You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Hobson’s Choice! If you want your significant other to listen and pay proper attention to every single word you utter, then you must talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. The wife (I call her ‘Viking’ – because she has a face like a Norse) isn’t speaking to me at the moment. This is all because I didn’t open the car door for her. Mind you, I panicked and swam to the surface! Then the other night I got home about 3 am, after a night out with the boys, and she started battering me about the head with a broom. I politely enquired, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?" Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever!

It’s so unfair! Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but a man’s best friend is his dog. Well now, its official! A dog is truly a man’s best friend! If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. After an hour, when you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

One day, Barmy Albert came home and was greeted by Non-Stick Nora dressed in a very sexy silk negligence. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything that you desire." So, Albert tied her up and went down to Wetherspoons.
                                            

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic, Tommy enquired: “What’s that then?” The consultant replied: “A bed.”

This strange fella was sitting inside my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife just staring intently at his drink. He stays like that, transfixed for over half-an-hour. Suddenly, this big trouble-making Scouse yobbo steps next to him takes the drink from the bloke and just guzzles it all down in one! The poor man starts crying. The yobbo sez: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man crying." "No, it’s not that,” says the geezer. "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I over slept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it had been stolen. The police said they could do nothing, so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the taxi. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this pub. Then just when I was thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my glass of cyanide!"

“I beg you doctor!” I proclaimed, shaking my unresponsive grandfather. “He urgently requires your assistance!”. The physician took one look and solemnly declared: “It’s too late.” I sez to him: “What do you mean. It’s too late?” He glanced at his Rolex and told me: “My shift finishes in ten minutes and I’m off down the Lap Dancing Bar.”



Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you’re having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So, visit my website www.Comedian.ws and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Oh! And happy Easter to you!

                                            

The Trump tariff tale of tragedy...

                                                 

Trumps tariffs (another word for tax!) have spectacularly backfired. I spotted a bloke attempting to purchase a ”Make America Great Again.” baseball cap and when informed that it would cost a staggering two hundred dollars he refused to pay such an exorbitant price. Apparently, the reason for the high retail cost was that it was made in Taiwan!

My little dog Poppy is most concerned about these tariffs that Trump has imposed. Bonio biscuits have gone up a staggering 37p per box. That’s about eight quid in dog money!

The missus found out that I was cheating on her when she discovered all the letters that I was hiding. She was incandescent with rage and curtly informed me that she’s never going to play Scrabble with me ever again! The situation worsened when my little dog Poppy ate the rest of the Scrabble tiles. Her next poo could spell disaster…

Yesterday, I bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. It's absolutely brilliant! It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

Where I live, the walls are very thin. I can hear everything that the young couple say next door. Last night, he said to her: “Your eyes are beautiful, they should be gilded.” He then continued: “Your nose is beautiful, it should be gilded.” And finally: “Your lips are beautiful, they should be gilded.” I went round and knock on their door. He answered it and sez: “Who are you?” I replied: “I’m a gilder…”

                                       

 

This bloke walks across the road and gets flattened by a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry and then a red lorry. A policeman goes to his home, knocks on the door and the man’s wife answers it. The policeman looks at her and says: "There's no easy way to say this."

I asked Barmy Albert if Non=Stick Nora knew the coldest place in the United States. He replied: “I don't know – Alaska.”

This getting old is a terrible thing. I thought I’d blacked out for twenty minutes yesterday morning, then I realised I'd put my hoodie on back-to-front.

This new generation does not like working for a living. You could give them a job sleeping and they’d wake up a quit.

Top Tips: This summer (if indeed we have one!) avoid being bothered by wasps at barbeques etc , by putting a blob of jam on a small child.

March was a tough month to be a Scouser. What with their team getting knocked out of Europe, then losing a Cup Final and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, Chancellor Rachel Reeves cuts benefits. Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a Scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!

                                                                  

People appreciate it, when you kiss them on the back of the neck. But not when they’re driving and you’re in the back seat and they didn’t know that you were there.

I often wonder if the person who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases, or am I the one and only?

Fascinating Fact: I don’t always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don’t. Moreover, I'm wearing pink this week, to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.

Most Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged. However, a student nurse discovered one elderly gentleman, who was already dressed, sitting on a bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn’t require any assistance whatsoever to leave the hospital. However, after a discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student wheel him to the lift. While the lift was descending to the ground floor, the nurse politely enquired if his wife was meeting him. He sez: “I don’t know. She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown…”

Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez, "I thought she wanted one of them there sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rovers?" Albert replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work only when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com