Judges at the UK Supreme Court have unanimously ruled that a woman is defined by biological sex under equalities law. This ruling has confused my mate Dave, who has a Wigan address.
Barmy Albert has recently bought a new dog. He’s called it Fergie. It's quite a clever little canine. Whenever Manchester United lose, it lies down, when they draw it sits up! I had to ask him, "What does he do when they win?" He sez: : "Dunno. I’ve only had it for five weeks!"
Fifty year-old Chester Draws whole life fell apart when his missus left him. Apparently, she went out for a litre of milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping. He replied: “Luckily, I had a tin of that powdered stuff”. Anyway, in an effort to rekindle a fresh relationship, he had a blind date last week, but was most concerned what to do if she turned out to be some manner of harridan. I told him about this new app that you could download onto your phone, precisely for this type of situation. The app is called “MUM-RUOK?” and you set it to ring your phone just after you link up with your date. If you find her attractive, then you merely ignore your phone. However, if you decide to make a quick getaway, because she is a strumpet, then you answer the phone and say: “Mum. Are you okay? What’s the matter?” Then you make your excuses and employ your exit strategy. It works every time with no problems. As things would pan out, Chester had no worries whatsoever, because the girl was absolutely stunning and gorgeous. Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and sez: “Hello, mum. Are you okay? What’s the matter?”
My agent called me and I had to turn down the offer a gig last week in the Middle East. He wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said no, no, no!”
Non-Stick Nora told me of a strange new trend at where she works. Apparently, people are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today she had a tuna sandwich called Sharon.
What with all the tariff kerfuffle that Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump has caused, King Charles has downgraded Trump's State Visit Dinner to brunch with Prince Andrew at Pizza Express in Woking Trump supporters don't care what the rest of the world thinks. That's because they don't know where the rest of the world is.
Fascinating fact: The Flat Earth Society has members all over the globe.
How to deal with an unknown number ringing:
1. Pause drinking tea to exclaim: “Flamin’ Nora! Who could this be now?”
2. Watch phone intently, until it eventually stops ringing.
3. Google the number.
4. See “472 people have recently searched for this number. This number is primarily associated with scam activity. The overall user rating for this number is negative.”
5. Block the number.
6. Go back to drinking tea.
David Bowie often told the story about the joke he stole from John and played on his fans. Bowie explains that he was vacationing with John in Hong Kong when a young boy runs up to John and asks, “Are you John Lennon?’ And he said, ‘No but I wish I had his money.’ Which I promptly stole for myself. [imitating a fan] ‘Are you David Bowie?’ No, but I wish I had his money. It’s brilliant. The kid said, ‘Oh, sorry. Of course, you aren’t,’ and ran off. I thought, ‘This is the most effective device I’ve heard. Bowie used this technique throughout his life. He explains what happened a few months later “I was in New York and a voice pipes up in my ear, ‘Are you David Bowie?’ And I said, ‘No, but I wish I had his money.’ “You lying swine!. You wish you had my money.” It was John Lennon.
Whilst visiting North Wales yesterday, I only had one can of orange fizzy pop left so I had my last Tango in Powys.
As I get older, I’ve discovered that I only need three local shops to survive. They are Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. Nowadays, my life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls…
I took a long, hard look at myself this morning. I won't be doing that again. One minute you're young and carefree, and the next minute your idea of excitement is drinking your coffee while it's still hot. I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
No comments:
Post a Comment