Went to see the new Willie Wonka movie over the weekend. It cost £14.50 each to get in! A fella sat a few seats away persisted in making loud and incoherent grunting noises all the way through the movie, which marred the whole experience. I leaned over and asked him where he was from and he pointed upwards and groaned: "the balcony". Then there were two women sat in front of us who constantly chattered throughout the movie. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and sez: “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear.” She replied: “I should hope not. This is a private conversation!”
In 2024, remember that you’re not the same person you were a year ago. You’re much worse now…
When I told my doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance!
Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say: ‘Temporarily Stairs’?
Q. Before candles, how did folks light their homes in Toxteth, Liverpool?
As she opened her presents on Christmas Day morning, I got the only apology I’ve ever had from the wife. She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Fascinating Fact: The worst time to have a coronary thrombosis, is at Christmas time during a game of Charades.
Last year, we got a turkey from IKEA and it took me two days to assemble it and then on Boxing Day, a leg fell off. Never again!
In King Charles Christmas address on TV: Global Warming: Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted! I did my bit for climate change this morning. I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used.
Apparently, the most popular New Years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Merely smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.
On New Years Eve, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were stopped by a police officer on the M67 for speeding. The officer sez: "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." Barmy Albert replies: "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating. Not looking up from her Sudoku puzzle book, Nora says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don’t be silly, Albert, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, Albert looks over at his Nora and growls, "Can’t you keep your gob shut for once?" Nora smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Albert glowers at Nora and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it woman, can’t you keep quiet for a few minutes!" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £100 fine which is mandatory." Albert, says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket." Nora pipes up:" Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving, and you never passed your test, so you don’t have a driving licence. And as the police officer is writing out the third and fourth ticket Albert turns to Nora and barks, "WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" The officer looks over at Nora and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?" Nora replies: "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking."
Happy New 2024! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.