I get very stressed on New Years Eve. I suffer from Auld Langxiety....

                         

Went to see the new Willie Wonka movie over the weekend. It cost £14.50 each to get in! A fella sat a few seats away persisted in making loud and incoherent grunting noises all the way through the movie, which marred the whole experience. I leaned over and asked him where he was from and he pointed upwards and groaned: "the balcony". Then there were two women sat in front of us who constantly chattered throughout the movie. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and sez: “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear.” She replied: “I should hope not. This is a private conversation!”

In 2024, remember that you’re not the same person you were a year ago. You’re much worse now…

When I told my doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance!

Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say: ‘Temporarily Stairs’?

Q. Before candles, how did folks light their homes in Toxteth, Liverpool?

A. Electricity.



As she opened her presents on Christmas Day morning, I got the only apology I’ve ever had from the wife. She said she was sorry she ever married me.



Fascinating Fact: The worst time to have a coronary thrombosis, is at Christmas time during a game of Charades.



Last year, we got a turkey from IKEA and it took me two days to assemble it and then on Boxing Day, a leg fell off. Never again!

                                    

In King Charles Christmas address on TV: Global Warming: Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted! I did my bit for climate change this morning. I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used.



Apparently, the most popular New Years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Merely smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.

                                          

On New Years Eve, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were stopped by a police officer on the M67 for speeding. The officer sez: "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." Barmy Albert replies: "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating. Not looking up from her Sudoku puzzle book, Nora says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don’t be silly, Albert, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, Albert looks over at his Nora and growls, "Can’t you keep your gob shut for once?" Nora smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Albert glowers at Nora and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it woman, can’t you keep quiet for a few minutes!" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £100 fine which is mandatory." Albert, says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket." Nora pipes up:" Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving, and you never passed your test, so you don’t have a driving licence. And as the police officer is writing out the third and fourth ticket Albert turns to Nora and barks, "WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" The officer looks over at Nora and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?" Nora replies: "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking."
                              


Happy New 2024! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.

                                  

Dec 21 2023 Punchlines Column.

 

www.questmedianetwork.co.uk

Christmas Crackers!

 

                                              

Further to last weeks announcement regarding the introduction of female referees for the first time in the premier league, players have been advised that they will most likely get booked for fouls they committed years ago, that they had completely forgotten about.

I find it quite disconcerting that after fifty years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or what kind of Trumpet he played!

                                   

  

On Christmas Eve, at a crowded Stalybridge bus stop, Non-Stick Nora was waiting for the 237 bus, and was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, Nora reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large bloke from Mossley, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. Nora went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The bloke from Mossley smiled and replied, "Well, missus, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends.”

                                   

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

                          

It’s the week before Christmas and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked Big Chief Sitting Bull if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be well prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone box, called the BBC Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So, the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the BBC Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter? 'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters that we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shedload of firewood!'

                                     

 

Have a cool Yule, folks!"

                                                              

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon!

I asked the lady in the laundrette: “How many degrees should I set the washing machine on?” She replied: “What does it say on the T-Shirt?” I sez: “Pink Floyd…”

Following on from the 3-0 drubbing from Bournemouth, Manchester United are not far off from being title contenders. All they require is a goalkeeper, four defenders, three midfielders, two wingers. a striker and a new manager. Sam Allardyce is waiting on the wings!

I asked the missus what she would like for Christmas. She sez: “Get me summat sexy!” I went to that Ann Summers lingerie outlet and asked: “Can I have a see-through negligence, size 22.” The fella behind the counter sez: “What do you want to see through that for?”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as Nora turned to Albert, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him whereabouts he was. Quietly he sez: “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” Nora choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.” “Well, I’m in the Wetherspoons next door.”

This year, when octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle received his £10 Christmas Pension Award he caught the No 5 bus to Fiveways and put his tenner, (five quid each way) on the fifth horse in the fifth race at Christmas Kempton at 5/1 and it came fifth and so he remains a skint pensioner. Gimme Five!

                                  

Christmas Tip: Husbands: If your wife does summat wrong just explain to her how your mother did it. She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as perfectly as your mum did.

In The Twelve days of Christmas song, have you noticed how many of the gifts are birds. Six out of the first seven days, your true love just gives you birds. Culminating in a total of 23 birds! What if you are allergic to birds, or just plain don’t like ‘em? I reckon that on day five, you’re like “Wow! Five Golden Rings! We’re finally done with the flamin’ birds” and then BAM! Six geese arrive!

I often mistakenly buy duplicate jars of herbs - Thyme and thyme again.

The geezer in the post office queue curtly informed me “There are a lot of nasty bugs going around the area at the present time”. Whist driving home, I had morbid visions of a ten-foot tall cockroach with a baseball bat hammering on the front door at 2am in the morning. Isn’t life a hoot when you’re barmy?

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

                               

Arctic conditions...

                            

I very nearly got run over by a council salt spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute moron!” Albeit through gritted teeth.

According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only four more days to Christmas! Personally, I reckon that this particular advent calendars days are numbered…

In the grand scheme of things, I reckon that there online shopping gubbins is alright, but I hate having to get up off the sofa in order to get my credit card out of my wallet. I’m so lazy these days, I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm and I get the next-door neighbour to shout my dog in! Still on the subject of online shopping, I hear on the grapevine that the Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon has left his wife, presumably with a neighbour, or inside the brown bin. I did very well on eBay, though. I sold a homing pigeon 541 times!

                                   

              

I purchased a shirt and some neckwear from eBay that used to belong to the bloke from the Mamas and the Papas. All the sleeves are brown and the tie is grey.

I just found out the Neighbourhood Watch had a meeting last night about a crazy person on our road. What I find it quite disconcerting is that they didn't invite me.

To say that my career has taken a downturn, is an understatement. I’ve just been invited to switch off Blackpool illuminations. On the plus side, I can make a comeback without actually going anywhere.

It was freezing cold when Barmy Albert was leaving the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as he staggered up Scropton Street back snicket, he slipped on the icy pavement and was unable to get back up again, primarily because of the treacherous condition of the cobbles. Non-Stick Nora ran up and asked him: “Ooh! Have you slipped on the icy pavement?” Albert replied: “No. I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket!” That’s when the fight started!

                               

  

I’ve just bought Pavarotti’s old camper van. It's a Nissan dormer. Only cost me a tenor! Pavarotti used to be a tad temperamental. When he was onstage, he didn’t like it if you joined in…,

A Yorkshire bloke from Doncaster goes into the jewelers. He sez: " Can tha mek me a gold statue o’ mi dog? " Aye, a reckon a can, " sez jeweler. “Does tha want it eighteen carat?" " No." replies the Yorkshire lad, "I’ll ‘ave it chewin’ a bone"

Jeepers! It was so cold last week, I spotted a Scouser with his hands in his own pockets! On the same subject, you must have visited Knowsley Safari Park in Liverpoool. Were you aware that it was built adjacent to a council housing estate. Apparently, back in the day, the tenants association took umbrage and contacted their M.P. and asked what would happen if a lion or a gorilla escaped and was found wandering around their housing estate. The M.P told them that the animal would just have to fend for itself.

                                     

 

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro sez: "Hey, Mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. ,"Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "Okay, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"



On the showbiz grapevine: It transpires that Elton John dislikes iceberg lettuce. Apparently, he’s a Rocket Man. Moreover, he has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. He’s a little fit bunny…