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Sunday 3 December 2023

Arctic conditions...


I very nearly got run over by a council salt spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute moron!” Albeit through gritted teeth.

According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only four more days to Christmas! Personally, I reckon that this particular advent calendars days are numbered…

In the grand scheme of things, I reckon that there online shopping gubbins is alright, but I hate having to get up off the sofa in order to get my credit card out of my wallet. I’m so lazy these days, I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm and I get the next-door neighbour to shout my dog in! Still on the subject of online shopping, I hear on the grapevine that the Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon has left his wife, presumably with a neighbour, or inside the brown bin. I did very well on eBay, though. I sold a homing pigeon 541 times!



I purchased a shirt and some neckwear from eBay that used to belong to the bloke from the Mamas and the Papas. All the sleeves are brown and the tie is grey.

I just found out the Neighbourhood Watch had a meeting last night about a crazy person on our road. What I find it quite disconcerting is that they didn't invite me.

To say that my career has taken a downturn, is an understatement. I’ve just been invited to switch off Blackpool illuminations. On the plus side, I can make a comeback without actually going anywhere.

It was freezing cold when Barmy Albert was leaving the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as he staggered up Scropton Street back snicket, he slipped on the icy pavement and was unable to get back up again, primarily because of the treacherous condition of the cobbles. Non-Stick Nora ran up and asked him: “Ooh! Have you slipped on the icy pavement?” Albert replied: “No. I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket!” That’s when the fight started!



I’ve just bought Pavarotti’s old camper van. It's a Nissan dormer. Only cost me a tenor! Pavarotti used to be a tad temperamental. When he was onstage, he didn’t like it if you joined in…,

A Yorkshire bloke from Doncaster goes into the jewelers. He sez: " Can tha mek me a gold statue o’ mi dog? " Aye, a reckon a can, " sez jeweler. “Does tha want it eighteen carat?" " No." replies the Yorkshire lad, "I’ll ‘ave it chewin’ a bone"

Jeepers! It was so cold last week, I spotted a Scouser with his hands in his own pockets! On the same subject, you must have visited Knowsley Safari Park in Liverpoool. Were you aware that it was built adjacent to a council housing estate. Apparently, back in the day, the tenants association took umbrage and contacted their M.P. and asked what would happen if a lion or a gorilla escaped and was found wandering around their housing estate. The M.P told them that the animal would just have to fend for itself.



It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro sez: "Hey, Mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. ,"Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "Okay, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"

On the showbiz grapevine: It transpires that Elton John dislikes iceberg lettuce. Apparently, he’s a Rocket Man. Moreover, he has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. He’s a little fit bunny…


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