Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon!
I asked the lady in the laundrette: “How many degrees should I set the washing machine on?” She replied: “What does it say on the T-Shirt?” I sez: “Pink Floyd…”
Following on from the 3-0 drubbing from Bournemouth, Manchester United are not far off from being title contenders. All they require is a goalkeeper, four defenders, three midfielders, two wingers. a striker and a new manager. Sam Allardyce is waiting on the wings!
I asked the missus what she would like for Christmas. She sez: “Get me summat sexy!” I went to that Ann Summers lingerie outlet and asked: “Can I have a see-through negligence, size 22.” The fella behind the counter sez: “What do you want to see through that for?”
Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as Nora turned to Albert, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him whereabouts he was. Quietly he sez: “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” Nora choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.” “Well, I’m in the Wetherspoons next door.”
This year, when octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle received his £10 Christmas Pension Award he caught the No 5 bus to Fiveways and put his tenner, (five quid each way) on the fifth horse in the fifth race at Christmas Kempton at 5/1 and it came fifth and so he remains a skint pensioner. Gimme Five!
Christmas Tip: Husbands: If your wife does summat wrong just explain to her how your mother did it. She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as perfectly as your mum did.
In The Twelve days of Christmas song, have you noticed how many of the gifts are birds. Six out of the first seven days, your true love just gives you birds. Culminating in a total of 23 birds! What if you are allergic to birds, or just plain don’t like ‘em? I reckon that on day five, you’re like “Wow! Five Golden Rings! We’re finally done with the flamin’ birds” and then BAM! Six geese arrive!
I often mistakenly buy duplicate jars of herbs - Thyme and thyme again.
The geezer in the post office queue curtly informed me “There are a lot of nasty bugs going around the area at the present time”. Whist driving home, I had morbid visions of a ten-foot tall cockroach with a baseball bat hammering on the front door at 2am in the morning. Isn’t life a hoot when you’re barmy?
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.
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