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Monday 18 December 2023

Christmas Crackers!



Further to last weeks announcement regarding the introduction of female referees for the first time in the premier league, players have been advised that they will most likely get booked for fouls they committed years ago, that they had completely forgotten about.

I find it quite disconcerting that after fifty years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or what kind of Trumpet he played!



On Christmas Eve, at a crowded Stalybridge bus stop, Non-Stick Nora was waiting for the 237 bus, and was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, Nora reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large bloke from Mossley, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. Nora went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The bloke from Mossley smiled and replied, "Well, missus, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends.”



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!


It’s the week before Christmas and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked Big Chief Sitting Bull if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be well prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone box, called the BBC Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So, the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the BBC Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter? 'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters that we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shedload of firewood!'



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