I always find New Year's Eve quite stressful. I visited the doctor and I've been diagnosed with Auld Langxiety.
At exactly 12.02 pm on New Year's Eve afternoon, my Welsh friend texted me 'Blwyddyn Newydd Dda' I thought: ‘He's started drinking early!’
Am I a Joke to you, Austin?
To all my friends and family who I gave the present of a book for Christmas, just mentioning that they have to be returned to Glossop library by the end of the January.
I asked the parachute shop owner, "What will happen if it doesn't open?" He said, "Bring it back with the receipt and we will refund you." What a decent bloke, I can't argue with that.
Apparently the Finnish language has a word "kalsarikkanit", which roughly translated means "sitting at home in your underwear drinking alcohol, with no intention of going anywhere." Can any of my readers please suggest other single words for multi-tasking? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.
A policeman pulled Barmy Albert over on New Year’s Eve. He curtly informed him: "You've got no tax or insurance, furthermore, your front nearside tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, you are not wearing a seatbelt!" Albert replied: "I'll see you tomorrow then...." "What's that supposed to mean?" asked the copper. Albert sez: "Hang on a minute, officer, I'm on the phone."
RIP Kenny Lynch.
We were in a restaurant once and scribbled on a napkin over 100 rhyming slang for piles. We started off with Farmers & Chalfonts and then expanded it to over 100! Maybe we made some up, like Sheepdog (Trials) and Sandy Lyles , Sieg Hyles & Bathrooms (Tiles), Tate & Lyles, Nobby Stiles......Happy days.
Friends, don’t worry about what you have scoffed between Christmas and New Year. Just worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas!
Non-Stick Nora took her ten year old grandson swimming yesterday. She sez: "If you can make it to the other side, I’ll buy you an Apple iPad for your birthday” So off he went, but after a while he vanished from sight! Nora still doesn’t know if he actually made it to Calais or not.
Fascinating Fact: The irresistible urge to roar like a lion is never more than a whim away.
In 2020, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.
If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay!