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Monday, 11 November 2019

The Gender Benders....


Dianne Abbott has voiced her disapproval following the announcement that the general election is to be held on December 12th. " I can't believe they are holding it on Easter Sunday" she added.

Hey Pollsters, listen up! Don't bother asking 16 and 17 year olds which way they would vote. Half of ‘em can't decide which way a baseball cap should be worn, or indeed whatever gender they are. I’m a thin person who was born into a fat person’s body. I’m Translender..

Non-Stick Nora has been trying to find a suitable partner on internet sites for the last few years, without success, she is quite perturbed that Brexit has had more dates than her during this time!


The missus is really kind and considerate. It doesn’t matter what unearthly hour I roll in the early hours of the morning, she’ll wait up for me, just to tell me what time it is!

Sometimes, the wife possesses an infantile persona. For instance, I was watching Peppa Pig yesterday morning and the missus casually sauntered in and turned off the telly. How childish is that?

We keep a potato masher in the kitchenette drawer, because sometimes it’s fun not being able to open that particular drawer...

I have just been reading two Midlands newspapers that are serialising Charles Dickens’s novel, ‘A Tale of Two Cities.’ It was The Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times.

While cooking a pasta Bolognese for dinner last night, I inadvertently got herbs in my eyes. I am now parsley sighted, but still need thyme to go to the cornea shop and grope some pasta, because I’m feeling Cannelloni at the moment. Nurse, fetch the screens!


The police want to interview me. To be honest, I don't remember applying for a job. Unless it had summat to do with when I inappropriately touched Angelina Jolie yesterday! I think there are a couple of things you really should know. She really does have the most gropeable derriere on the planet. However, the staff at Madam Tussauds are a miserable bunch, who possess no sense of humour whatsoever!


Thought for Thursday: Every day is an adventure when you're incompetent.


The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: You can email me: Now, behave yourself and get back to work!


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