I bought one of those smart light switches but it was too clever for me. So, I replaced it with a dimmer switch!
I told a joke in a Zoom meeting. No one laughed. It turns out I'm not even remotely funny!
I’ve come to the conclusion that Zoom meetings are akin to a modern séance. With rhetoric like: - “Emma Jayne, are you there?” “Suzie, make a sound, so we can hear you!” “George, is anyone else there with you?” “Joanne, we can’t see you, can you hear us?” Knock once for yes and twice for no!
Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember stuff. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asks, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied: "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not stupid! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts: "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
The teacher asked the class what their favourite animal was and little Albert sez, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed like drains! Albert’s parents told him to always tell the truth. He did. Fried chicken was his favourite animal. Albert told his dad what had happened, and he said his teacher was probably a member of the RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. Albert did too. Especially chicken, preferably the fried variety. Anyway, his teacher dispatched him to the headmaster’s office. Albert told him what had occurred, and he laughed, too! Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class the teacher asked Albert what his favourite live animal was. He told her it was chicken. She asked him why, so he told her it was because you could make it into fried chicken. She sent Albert back to the headmaster's office. The headmaster chortled and told Albert not to do it again. Albert couldn’t comprehend. His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he is. Today, his teacher asked the class to tell her what famous person they admired most. Albert told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where he is now...
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"
Elsie Grabknuckles husband has snuffed it. I took her down to the local newspaper office for her to put a notice in the obituaries section. She is short of money and just wanted to keep it brief, 'Fred is dead.' However, it turns out you can have six words for a fiver. Bargain! She put, 'Fred is dead. Volvo for sale.'
I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!