Upon arriving outside the newsagents, there was a fella just getting in his car with his newspaper, so I reckoned that I’ll wait a moment, then commandeer the parking space that he is about to vacate. I waited awhile, but he didn’t shift, so I got out of my car to remonstrate with him. As I approached, I noticed he was reading his paper. I was fuming for a minute, but when I got closer, I noticed that he was reading this column and chuckling away to himself! So, I let the matter drop. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
Bought some sexy lingerie from Ann Summers, over the weekend. “Easter Surprise for the wife?” asked the assistant. “Only if she catches me wearing it.” I replied.
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a brilliantly sunny day like we had over the Easter break, that you realise how many of them just suddenly burst into flames….
I've been asked to join a 'Stiff Little Fingers' tribute band. They're called 'Arthritis.'
While watching a movie at the local bughut recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can’t hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
I took the missus to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said “Your wife's mind has completely gone!” To which I replied “I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the past ten years.”
Some Saturdays, I like to go to the DW Stadium. I'm not a Wigan fan or anything. I just like some time on my own and a bit of peace and quiet.
Pets can be most problematic. I took my goldfish to the vets to see if there was any treatment available that might cure his chronic nervous twitching debility. The vet had a quick shufty and sez, "He seems quite tranquil and calm to me" I replied, "Yeah, but wait while I take him out of his bowl."
I walked into my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife’, and the landlord exclaimed, "Your missus looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you?" "Whatever you've been drinking, mate."
Further Fascinating Fact; Did you know that if you place your ear up to a complete stranger's foot, you can actually hear them saying, "What the flamin’ hell are you doing?!"
"I am in serious financial trouble?" cried my tearful octogenarian relative. "My winter fuel allowance didn’t cover my enormous gas bill." "But it is rather large, maybe they’ve read your meter incorrectly, or have you had the heating on full blast 24 hours a day?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and other stuff for some people," she opined. "But,the bill is nearly fifty thousand quid!" I replied. "Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?”
I had a job interview in the fuel industry yesterday morning. When asked what experience I have, I explained that I regularly go out robbing people in broad daylight. "When can you start?" he said.
This week observes the centenary of the tragic sinking of the Titanic. Exactly one hundred years ago, relations of the passengers who sailed on the doomed vessel were stood on the docks at Southampton, frantically awaiting news of their loved ones. Suddenly, a ten foot tall polar bear pushed his way through the assembled throng and shouted, “Any news about the iceberg, pal?”
All the newspapers of the day published massive headlines with regard to the calamity: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Tameside Reporter however, carried a much more conservative approach in its reporting of the incident, there was a little column at the foot of page nineteen which read: ‘Stalybridge Man Drowns.’
Fascinating fact: I'm great in bed. It's when I get up it all goes wrong!
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website http://www.comedianuk.com/ or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!
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