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Saturday 15 April 2023

The Scropton Street Scenario.....


RIP Mary Quant.Many years ago, I had the pleasure of inspecting the contents of her brassiere. In those days, I was a quantity surveyor.

I just love a true story and this is one of my faves: One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do." The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?” Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off...



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a much better offer.”

The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!

Oh, the shame of it all! Non-Stick Nora was caught shoplifting recently. The judge asked what she had nicked. “A tin of peaches”, she said. “How many peaches were in the tin?” “Six”, she replied. “Well, I'll give you six days in prison for this heinous crime.” Barmy Albert couldn’t resist shouting out, “She also nicked a tin of Heinz baked beans!”'


I went to my solicitor yesterday and, like the responsible spouse that I am, I wrote out my will. As I got home I called out to the missus, "That's it done, love! When I die I'm going to leave everything to you." She cheerily called back "You already do, you useless lump!!” I did the only thing I could do. I gave her a round of applause!

Breaking News: The Manchester United squad visited an orphanage yesterday. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Britney aged 6.

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street (behind the gasworks) this bloke suddenly hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished fella continued walking to the zebra crossing. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the flamin’ hell were you when I got married last week?"

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website or email me: Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

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