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Saturday 13 November 2021

The eternal optimist....



I hear on the grapevine that it’ll be easier to buy a Tory MP then a Sony Playstation 5 this Christmas. Sleaze a jolly good fellow!

The countdown is on! It just sez on the TV adverts that Christmas wouldn’t be the same without M & S. This is true, because it would spell Chrita without the M & S wouldn’t it?

If anyone has no immediate family and will be eating Christmas dinner alone this year, then please contact me because I need to borrow some chairs. Thanks in anticipation.

In order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I sometimes phone up any of the ‘Best Western’ hotels. They answer: “Best Western” Then I say: “Blazing Saddles directed by Mel Brooks.”


Another great way to alleviate boredom is to go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. You may have already played this game, without realising it. Picture the scene. You cannot locate whatever you want and you see a geezer in an orange apron. You walk towards him and he miraculously disappears!

A fella went into a supermarket, asking to buy half a lettuce. The young shop assistant told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole lettuce, only a half. The assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The assistant walked into the manager’s office and said, "There's some cretin out there who wants to buy only a half a lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager Okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Afterwards, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier on, but I must say I was most impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" "Manchester, sir" came the staunch reply. "Oh really? Why did you leave Manchester?" Asked the boss. The shop assistant said, "Nothing but easy women and football players over there." "Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Manchester!!" "No kidding!" Sez the boy. "What team did she play for?"

Non Stick Nora reckons that clear nail varnish makes an excellent substitute for Tippex when you haven’t made a mistake...


Always remember that it’s the I before the E. Except when your foreign neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird!


Barmy Albert always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."  To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Albert could  find no hope in it.  On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Albert, did you hear about Sid? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," said Albert, "But it could have been a lot worse."  "How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"   "Well," replied Albert, "If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

I am away next week, so remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too:     Now, get back to work!


Monday 8 November 2021

It weren't me Mr Higginbottom, it were our Alfie....



Barmy Albert sez to Non Stick Nora: “I’m going to Bury Market to get some black puddings. Do you want some?” Nora replied: “Definitely not. I hate black puddings!” Albert asked her: “Well, where do you get your iron from then?” Nora thought for a minute and replied: “Argos...”

A Wise Investment! A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Aristotle, I have some good news and, I have some bad news. “ The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your missus today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right." Aristotle replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary..."

I went round to see old Elsie Grabknuckle and she kindly gave me a generous portion of her home made acorn soup. Her little Jack Russell dog kept jumping up and barking at me. I asked her what was wrong with the hound and she replied: “You’ve got his bowl...”

In the halcyon 70’s era, I participated in a TV programme at Granada with Lance Percival. He was a brilliantly funny guy and he informed me that although Lance was an uncommon name, in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot! Fascinating!


I visited Chester Zoo and this monkey asked me if he could borrow a tin opener. I told him that he wouldn’t need a tin opener to peel a banana and he curtly informed me: “It’s for the custard.”

As I become older, I learn much more every single day. For instance, did you know that you can buy a birthday cake, eat it all yourself and nobody checks up on you! Furthermore, you should never sit on the floor without a strategy of how you’re going to get back up again!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?' 'Oh,'replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.' 'Well, that's the last straw,'says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.' 'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife. That's his mistress,' says her husband. 'Ours is prettier,' she replies... 

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website and continue the quest! Email Now, get back to work!