Barmy Albert sez to Non Stick Nora: “I’m going to Bury Market to get some black puddings. Do you want some?” Nora replied: “Definitely not. I hate black puddings!” Albert asked her: “Well, where do you get your iron from then?” Nora thought for a minute and replied: “Argos...”
A Wise Investment! A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Aristotle, I have some good news and, I have some bad news. “ The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your missus today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right." Aristotle replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary..."
I went round to see old Elsie Grabknuckle and she kindly gave me a generous portion of her home made acorn soup. Her little Jack Russell dog kept jumping up and barking at me. I asked her what was wrong with the hound and she replied: “You’ve got his bowl...”
In the halcyon 70’s era, I participated in a TV programme at Granada with Lance Percival. He was a brilliantly funny guy and he informed me that although Lance was an uncommon name, in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot! Fascinating!
I visited Chester Zoo and this monkey asked me if he could borrow a tin opener. I told him that he wouldn’t need a tin opener to peel a banana and he curtly informed me: “It’s for the custard.”
As I become older, I learn much more every single day. For instance, did you know that you can buy a birthday cake, eat it all yourself and nobody checks up on you! Furthermore, you should never sit on the floor without a strategy of how you’re going to get back up again!
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?' 'Oh,'replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.' 'Well, that's the last straw,'says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.' 'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife. That's his mistress,' says her husband. 'Ours is prettier,' she replies...
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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