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Saturday 21 May 2011

Man City New Shirt Sponsor...

The missus (or Shrek in a frock as I lovingly refer to her) came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and waddled into the bedroom. She sez to me "Darling, would you kindly shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me with no clothes on". "Don't worry" I replied, "When the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own f***in' curtains!”

I rang PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. She sez 'right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties'. I sez 'hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all this!' She sez, 'What have you done up to now?' I replied, 'I've written click'....

All this technology gubbins drives ya doo-lally! I was watching a DVD last night and it had that bit at the beginning about copyright and piracy saying, "You wouldn't steal a car, would you?." Well putting that into perspective, I might consider nicking a car if I could download it! That’s my problem, I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Manchester City today confirmed that the open top bus route with the FA Cup will take them past IKEA in Ashton-under-Lyne, where they will stop off to pick up a trophy cabinet!

They should have built the new Wembley Stadium in Manchester. The southerners obviously have no proper use for it. Pass it on!

It's was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

My grandad's going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, "I don't care, as long as it gets me to the hospital."

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: You can email me:

Thursday 12 May 2011

It must be a 'MAN' thing...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "They had eggs."

Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3x3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. "Wicked!" he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can get away from him, no mither!" thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes."Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyll for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off." Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the bobby.

I ordered Pelican Tandoori at my local Indian restaurant last night. It was delicious, but the bill was enormous!

I sez to my dentist "What would you recommend for yellow teeth?" She replied "How about a brown tie"...

Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.

Always observe proper etiquette. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

So, I said to this woman, “Did you know that Halley's comet takes seventy-six years to travel once around the sun?” "Get out of here," she exclaimed. "It's true," I replied," Furthermore, did you know that Mozart was only five years old when he wrote the music of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." "No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets!”

In my local newsagent yesterday, I asked the lady behind the counter, "Do you sell Bereavement cards?" She replied "Yes, sir." So I asked, "Could I exchange this ‘Get Well Soon’ card I bought last week?"

Thought for Thursday: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire lane of cars teams up to prevent some heretic from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers, Mottram is ours!

Two things that you MUST do today: Smile and laugh. You cannot whack a good chortle!

Visit my website and Jokey-Blog and get your guffaw glands going!

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Tuesday 10 May 2011

Man City 0

Yesterday, whilst perusing an internet betting site, I noticed that Manchester City are 17/2 to win the Premier League NEXT season! For anyone who cannot comprehend the idiosyncrasies of betting odds, this effectively means that if you bet £50, you will lose £50.

Sunday 8 May 2011

More Osama Jokes...

There is already a new drink out to commemorate the events on May 1st. The new drink is called the "Bin Laden" and it consists of 2 shots and a splash of water!

anagram of osama bin laden is, "lob man in da sea"

Reports are coming in that Osama Bin Laden had converted to Hinduism before he died. Eyewitnesses reported seeing a red dot on his forehead just before he was shot.

Sir Elton John is to release a single following the death of osama bin laden "sandles in the bin" will be released next week

I bet Bin Laden wished he'd never filled that f**kin' census form in now!

There is already a new drink out to commemorate the events on May 1st. The new drink is called the "Bin Laden" and it consists of 2 shots and a splash of water!

Osama Bin Laden they could not find him in the mountains,they could not find him in the desert,they could not find him in the caves of Borra Borra,where did they find him? --in his house

Osama Bin Laden has just broadcast a public message on Al Jazira TV to prove he is still alive. He said " Everton were shit on Saturday". However, US intelligence sources have dismissed it saying he could have recorded it anytime in the last 10 years.

What does Kate Middleton have in common with Osama Bin Laden ?  Last Sunday they both had their back doors smashed in and shot in the face by a bloke in the