The missus asked me, "What did you buy me for a Christmas prezzie?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes-Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes!” she said breathlessly. "Well I've got you a hairbrush the exact same colour." That’s when the fight started!
I'm fortunate enough to be on holiday from December 21st until January 5th and would love to go to a quiet place, without crowds, and preferably up in the mountains or in the countryside. Ideally an all-inclusive resort type thing, where the sunshine is cracking the flags and there are many different entertainment types. I intend to spend around £10,000 to £15,000 between accommodation and food just to relax, unwind and enjoy the culmination of what has been a very difficult year. Does anyone know where I can get the money?
I did have enough money to see me
through until January, however we put the central heating on for an hour last week. It was so cold that when i opened the wardrobe door, my jacket had my overcoat on!
At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.
A travel agent looked up from his desk on Christmas Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a cracking week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that smelly old bloke I had to share the room with?"
In Christmas past, when I was in my teenage years, I recollect taking a lovely young lady back to the house, “You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she asked. “What gives you that idea?” I sez. “The scissors...” she replied.
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the scouse defendant in the dock, "What are you charged with?" The defendant replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the scouser..
Fascinating Fact: Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Top Tip: DON’T be that person who puts the empty wrappers back in the Quality Street tin!
Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
Every time I try to eat healthy, then along comes Christmas, Pancake Day, Ash Wednesday, Easter, and summertime, Tuesday or Thursday and totally ruins it for me. My doctor reckons that I have an overactive knife and fork, so that doesn’t help matters. I tried being modest and humble one time and as usual, I was absolutely amazing at it! If you don’t believe me, then visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington, via my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the links. You can email me too! Comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!