Although Non Stick Nora’s dog was a female and ‘on heat', she mistakenly agreed to look after her neighbour`s male hound while they were on holiday. She firmly believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs in flagrante and in obvious distress, as so frequently occurs when canines become inflamed and effervescent. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as what to do to remedy this unfortunate farrago. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then ring you back and the noise of the phone ringing will make the male mutt lose all interest and he will then go downstairs and have a drink." "Do you seriously think that will work?" Nora asked. “Well, It just worked on me," the vet replied.
Thought for Thursday: I just found out, my ultra-sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Barmy Albert had to appear in court as a witness to a road traffic accident last week. The magistrate asked Albert who he thought was to blame for the head-on collision that occurred. Albert thought for a minute and said, “Well as far as I could tell, I think they both hit each other at exactly the same time.”
I've been really busy. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
An elderly octogenarian couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and disappeared into the kitchenette. The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally sez: “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “'Yes, that's the one!” Exclaimed the old bloke. He then turned towards the kitchenette and shouted: “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Last weekend, I invited a mate back home for dinner. The missus screamed, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you bring him back here for?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: "Because he's thinking of getting married."
Yesterday, I passed by a bloke who appeared to have parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road. I was utterly amazed and wondered how he could sleep with the horn blaring so loudly like it was. Some folk are just pots for rags.
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