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Tuesday, 19 April 2022

The Facebook, Twitter & Google Farrago.....


Putin has hired a glass bottom boat so he can inspect his navy’s flagship. He still maintains that the Ukrainians didn’t sink the vessel. It was a special underwater military operation.


When you’re on Facebook, it asks: ‘What are you thinking?’ Twitter asks ‘What are you doing?’  Google always asks where I am.  I must confess, I reckon that the internet has turned into my missus.


I've applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's summat I can see myself doing.


Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and deposited a £1 coin in the fruit machine.  The machine spat it out and a voice from within it shouted: “You’re a right ugly moose, you are and ya breath smells putrid!”  He stepped backwards in utter shock and staggered to the bar and there was a bowl of nachos, as he nibbled on one, a voice from inside the bowl pronounced:”May I say that you’re very well dressed and you look 20 years younger than your actual age!”  He told all this to Ethel the barkeep and Ethel told him: “Sorry about that, Albert, the nachos are complimentary, whereas the fruit machine is out of order...”


I’m totally committed to consuming only locally sourced food and drink.  Luckily, I live between an off-licence and a pie shop. Furthermore, I identify as an obese alcoholic.


I visited the off-licence on Easter Sunday while out on my bicycle and purchased a bottle of brandy and placed it in the basket on the bicycle. Upon analysing the situation, I decided that if I inadvertently fell off the bike, then the bottle would get smashed, so I drank all the brandy afore I cycled back home. It was an excellent decision, because I fell off my bicycle sixteen times (or thereabouts!) on my return journey.


I walked into the pie shop and complained to the manageress, "I've just bought a meat and potato pie from you, I took just one bite and three teeth fell out!" "Maybe you bit down a tad too hard?" she replied. I sez: "They're not my flamin’ teeth!”


I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust...


If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed us humans picking up dog poo, then who would they think are the dominant species? Moreover, a dog is a man’s best friend, whereas diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  It’s all so unfair!


Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.


Non-Stick Nora called me a bone idle wastrel when she came to my house yesterday. On a more positive note and definitely on the plus side, she took down the Christmas tree and all the tinselly decorations.


A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here."  The atom didn't react.


Thought for Thursday: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


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