What with all the kerfuffle of staff shortages and outbreaks of Covid, things are really bad at Manchester Airport. One lady actually collapsed on the baggage carousel. An airport spokesman said: “She is coming round very slowly.”
The missus opined: “Why are you watching Ru Pauls Drag Race? I thought you hated it!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: “It ain't Ru Paul. It’s Ladies day at Aintree Racecourse.”
Barmy Albert hated being a bus driver. Some of the passengers were so rude, he found it difficult to tolerate any of them. He confided in me that he used to look in the mirror and see all the passengers and muttered to himself: “You’re all a load of cretins!” Then he would tap the brakes twice, so that they’d all nod in agreement. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!
I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and was playing chess with Non-Stick Nora. She sez: “Let’s make this more interesting.” So we stopped playing chess...
If you’re in a boring conversation and looking to escape, then just take off one off your socks and hand it to the person talking...
Fascinating Fact: Hank Marvin is fed up of folk offering him a sandwich every time he introduces himself.
The missus was livid when I rolled in at 6am in the morning, paralytic drunk. Not only had she changed the lock on the front door, she’d changed the street name as well!
I asked the lady in the shop: “I need a battery so I can tell the time.” She asked me: “Is it for a clock?” I replied: “I don’t know, that’s why I need the battery...”
In the world of matrimony, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner. (+2) You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3) Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)
THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look big in this?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You hesitate in responding. (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) You give any other response. (-40) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my hearing holes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”