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Wednesday 19 July 2023

Breaking News!



Fascinating Fact; Apparently cowboys used to tie a lantern to their horses saddle to help them see where they were going at night. It's the first known example of saddle light navigation.

I used to have a good friend whose name was Dan D'Lyon. He was an affable bloke, however his death was quite unusual. He wet the bed and his head popped off. Sad, but true….

Banks should do a lot better job keeping their ATM’s filled with cash. Five times this week it has said “Insufficient Funds.” Even the local food bank is not to be trusted. I deposited a tin of sardines in there a fortnight ago and when I went back to withdraw them last Monday, they’d gone!

We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!


Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as BBC News came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and I knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."

I’ve been scammed yet again! I paid a carpenter in advance to build me a bespoke double bed and found out he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another!

Q) How do you get your average Frenchman to become a fearlessly brave and highly motivated fighting machine? A) Tell him that he has to work until he’s 64.

Chancellor Olaf Scholz flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When he gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at his passport and asks, "Nationality?" He sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" He replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

Any man who reckons marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't understand two fundamental principles: 1) - Women. 2) – Fractions.