Search This Blog

Friday 31 August 2012

I found the wife's 'G' spot. It's at the end of the word shoppinG...

I was in Boots The Chemist yesterday. "Hi. I'm looking for Sunblock" I said to the assistant."

"It's in aisle no 3, just over there" she replied. "Oh, don't worry. I've found her" I replied, pointing at the missus.

Breaking News: In the Paralympic Games, one of the British wheelchair basketball team has tested positive for WD40.

Ten Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says ''If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell." Nine of them start to walk away, when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you.''

The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''. Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you?'' Other son said ''Me too Dad''. Dad said "Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this Fuck'n family like Pussy.?" Daughter said ''I do.''

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer-Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good old laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said
''I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits''.
I said ''Sorry mate did he drown?''
No he said ''he choked on a sock. ''.

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?.   "No" he replied ..... "that was Gary Glitter".

I overheard my wife on the phone to her friend last night.  "I can't wait for next weekend!" she whispered.
"We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks." It would have been a lovely surprise, but she needs to start checking the calendar,  because I'm working away that weekend.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."  He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."

I remember when I first saw my wife..... Gorgeous and slim with a nice tight arse.
I've let myself go a bit since then.

My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth.
Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!

On a flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

My pilot girlfriend walked out on me because of my stupid puns.
Can't believe she took off like that.

My neighbour called me a selfish bastard because I played my music loud until 4am this morning.
Surely if I was selfish, I would've turned it down so only I could hear it?

My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that made me want to marry her mum. I said, "Come back when you're eighteen." She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?""No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied.

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, "Is that coffee I smell?" She said, "It is and you do."

Upon stepping out of the shower this morning, the missus laughed and told me that my tallywacker closely resembled a Tic-Tac.   "If that's the case", I said, "Then why does your sister still have bad breath?"

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up

"So," I said to the wife, "It'll be just me and some of the lads around tonight to have a few beers and watch the football while you're at your mother's." "I wasn't going to go to my mother's," she replied.
"Oh," I said. "Haven't I told you about me and the barmaid last night yet?"

My grandad always said to me "There are 3 kinds of people in the world, those that can count, and those that can't

My wife says I should stop living in the past and be more respectful to her...
I replied-"Pray tell, why dost thou thinketh this old hag?"

An undertaker I know has 'tape measure' eyes.

I called the vet and told him 'My wife is dropping by in a moment with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'

My wife called me and said, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything?"
"It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, "I walked." "I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."

Because of Spain's current financial situation, they've had to downgrade Tenerife to Fiverife.

The missus just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?"
I said, "F**k off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel."

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f**k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"

Said to my son."What will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
" Go on a diet.." He replied.

When a woman says "What.?", it is not that she did not hear you..
She is just giving you a chance to change your answer.

The owl & the pussycat went to sea..
But the end of this story is sad...
The owl pushed the pussycat overboard
cause her IPhone was driving him mad...

So funny all the people stuck in traffic to get to the gym, only to ride for a hour on a stationary bike...

Brought a painting yesterday at auction called the "Orgasm"...
Got it home and found out its a fake.

Doctor: "I'm afraid you have less than 6 months to live."
Patient: "What have I got?"
Doctor: "April, May, June, July and August."

here was a safety meeting in work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Fucking big ones" was the wrong answer.

Q) What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A) A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers ........!

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please!"

The cost of living is now so bad that my wife is having sex with me to save on the batteries.

A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

I was showing my doctor a nasty rash on my willy today.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it.
He just said make an appointment for Monday morning
and carried on pushing his trolley around Sainsburys!

My missus and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.  "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.  Being the nice guy I am, I thought .... "Sod - it, I'll treat her!" .....
So we walked past it again!

I was chatting to this lovely looking woman, and I said  "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy".
he replied, "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing"!!!

My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right .... but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.

I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked.
“Well I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some tosser using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another tosser?”

Tuesday 28 August 2012

A Man Walks Into A Bar....

Moreover, I was chatting to this girl in the pub the night before last, telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands. She thought I was having her on, but was curious nonetheless. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go! I stood there fondling her funbags for about a minute or three, before she could contain herself no longer and asked, "So go on when was I born then?" I replied "Yesterday.”

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert yesterday. I asked him, "What you up to these days?" He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs." I replied, "So you work in a charity drop-in centre?" He said, "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons in Buxton!"...

I find it quite disconcerting that at the end of Hollyoaks, a voice-over curtly informs the viewer (there's only one!) and sez, "If you have been affected by any issues in this programme please phone this number.” So I phoned and I said "Hello, I'm phoning to inform you that I can't act either".

Fancy a flutter on the horses? I’ve got a big tip for you. Get your money on a horse running tomorrow called Landfill.

Ladies take note: If a man says to you that he will fix it, then he will. There's no need to keep on reminding him every six months about it. The toilet seat is another matter. Women, learn to work on the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

I forgot my key this morning, so I texted the missus and asked her to hide it under a plant pot for me so I could get back into the house. "No problem," the stoopid woman texted back, "I've put it under the one on the kitchen table."

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?" I said, "Crikey! How did you know that my name is Phones?.

Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style - the husband sit's and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Malcolm, we won't be long . Easy,boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, Malcolm, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
trolley, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "Malcolm, Malcolm, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool Malcolm." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Malcolm is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Malcolm ... the little bastards name is Derek."

Tis such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £1.50 per minute (charges may vary).

If Vladimir Putin is reading this, Jedward are singing nasty songs about you.

Thought for Thursday: Life has no remote control. You need to get up off your arse, and change it for yourself.

Why do folk say ‘sound as a pound?’ The pound is far from sound at the moment.
You don't see Italians going around saying 'Securo as a Euro', do you? But you can do a hokey-cokey with the jokey-oke from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: Roll on Whit week! Email me:

Monday 20 August 2012

The footie season starts!

Hello! I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? I have been sailing the Mediterranean since June on a brand new, magnificent vessel called the Carnival Breeze. It is the flagship of the fleet and carries in excess of 4,000 passengers and boasts over 1300 crew. The ship features it’s very own Punchliner Comedy Club, where I have been working. My contract lasts until October, when I’ll start writing this column once again on a weekly basis. Incidentally, Today is International Ladies Day. It was supposed to be yesterday, but they weren't ready in time.

On Jeremy Kyle, this feckless moron of a bloke was being thoroughly berated by his missus for spending all their giro money on beer, cigarettes and gambling. It was obvious who wore the tracksuit bottoms in that family...

I have a little SatNav, it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,, Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while, I could turn the damned thing off.

Fascinating Fact: It's amazing that the human body has over 7 trillion nerves and my missus knows how to get on every single one of them! She reckons that she has to go on a diet, because her hand won’t fit in the Pringles tub! I don't drink champagne anymore after a really bad experience. We had it at my wedding.

Breaking News: The Irish Olympic Team have just arrived in Beijing.

It's official! I have the BEST gas, electricity and phone bills on our street. All three companies have written to me and told me they are outstanding.

GEORGE: Your secretary is very sexy.

BILL: Yes! It's actually a robot, named Monica.

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation

and if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.

I'll lend it to you for a day and you can see her functions.

Next day, George called Bill from the hospital & shouted:

Bill… You bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Monica's legs is a pencil sharpener!!!

Watching a subtitled film is like chatting with a woman with very large breasts or talking to a bloke who is wearing a syrup.

Warning! Exercise extreme caution if you are Googling Gary Oldman. I inadvertently left out the letter 'R' and the results were quite shocking...

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website or email me: Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

Is sex work?

A British Army Major was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question
to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question ; "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure" ?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of
inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
The Major, a little surprised as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier" ?
"Sir - well Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
The room fell silent.

Friday 10 August 2012

Olympic Latest!

He could stick it in his ear and pretend to be a petrol pump.

Olympic official sez to this athlete, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy replies, "Nein, I am German undt my name is Hans"....

Chinese & South Korean Badminton players were spotted outside Toys 'R Us earlier today giving games away...

Breaking News: The Irish Olympic Team have just arrived in Beijing.....

OLYMPIC LATEST! Albania have just taken Gold, Silver, Bronze, Copper, Brass and Lead, plus any other scrap metal that was not nailed down!!

Olympic Sailing Results are just in! Britain have taken gold. USA have taken silver. Somalia have taken a wealthy middle-aged couple from Weymouth....

BBC News Olympic pundits have commented, "It's impossible to knock five seconds off your personal best." Not true. I managed it yesterday whilst watching the beach volleyball.

Wimmin soccer referees are incredible! They blow the whistle when there is a foul and as per usual the player remonstrates, and sez, "What was that for ref?" She just puts her hands on her hips and replies, "Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you".....

Bought a 52" plasma TV last night for £35! There's a problem with the volume control, but at that price, I couldn't turn it down

Q) What do Las Vegas and Wigan have in common?
A) You can buy sex in return for chips in both places.

In Boots chemist, upon perusing the instructions on the label of KY Jelly. It sez, "Avoid eye contact." I can only assume that means at the checkout...

  I recently went to the doctors for a check-up. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A bit concerned about that comment, I said, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or spirits?' 'Oh no,' I replied. Then she asked, 'Do you eat red meat?' 'I said, 'Not much"

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or cycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...    'Well,' she said, 'why the f**k do you want to live till you're 80 then?'

BA launched a new Olympics themed advert yesterday which is quite clever BUT the REALLY clever bit is you can put in any UK postcode or address (or try both) and, thanks to CGI and Google Maps, the advert will include the B777 taxiing up your road! Put your Postcode in the box just to the left of the "Go"
Click on:

I am currently sailing the med on a brand new vessel, the magnificent Carnival Breeze.  It is a fun ship and apart from many brilliant facilities onboard, it has its very own comedy club.  Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez features at 7-30 and 8-30 pm a 'family-friendly' hour, and then after 9-45pm we go a little bit more risqué  and cater more for adults with the material.  We have been displaying 'House Full' signs every night and my picture below shows myself and my co-star scouser Tom Pepper have been receiving standing ovations each night.  Although in June, our initial audiences were all-American, this week we have had 40% Brits onboard.  Moreover, you can tell there is a scouser onboard, coz eight bells have gone, and the mizzenmast is mizzen!  Visit my website   or email me: Now, get back to work!

Tom Pepper & Austin Knight onboard Carnival Breeze
this week.