Moreover, I was chatting to this girl in the pub the night before last, telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands. She thought I was having her on, but was curious nonetheless. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go! I stood there fondling her funbags for about a minute or three, before she could contain herself no longer and asked, "So go on when was I born then?" I replied "Yesterday.”
I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert yesterday. I asked him, "What you up to these days?" He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs." I replied, "So you work in a charity drop-in centre?" He said, "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons in Buxton!"...
I find it quite disconcerting that at the end of Hollyoaks, a voice-over curtly informs the viewer (there's only one!) and sez, "If you have been affected by any issues in this programme please phone this number.” So I phoned and I said "Hello, I'm phoning to inform you that I can't act either".
Fancy a flutter on the horses? I’ve got a big tip for you. Get your money on a horse running tomorrow called Landfill.
Ladies take note: If a man says to you that he will fix it, then he will. There's no need to keep on reminding him every six months about it. The toilet seat is another matter. Women, learn to work on the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
I forgot my key this morning, so I texted the missus and asked her to hide it under a plant pot for me so I could get back into the house. "No problem," the stoopid woman texted back, "I've put it under the one on the kitchen table."
I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?" I said, "Crikey! How did you know that my name is Phones?.
Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style - the husband sit's and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Malcolm, we won't be long . Easy,boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, Malcolm, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
trolley, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "Malcolm, Malcolm, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool Malcolm." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Malcolm is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Malcolm ... the little bastards name is Derek."
Tis such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £1.50 per minute (charges may vary).
If Vladimir Putin is reading this, Jedward are singing nasty songs about you.
Thought for Thursday: Life has no remote control. You need to get up off your arse, and change it for yourself.
Why do folk say ‘sound as a pound?’ The pound is far from sound at the moment.
You don't see Italians going around saying 'Securo as a Euro', do you? But you can do a hokey-cokey with the jokey-oke from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com Roll on Whit week! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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