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Monday 20 August 2012

The footie season starts!

Hello! I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? I have been sailing the Mediterranean since June on a brand new, magnificent vessel called the Carnival Breeze. It is the flagship of the fleet and carries in excess of 4,000 passengers and boasts over 1300 crew. The ship features it’s very own Punchliner Comedy Club, where I have been working. My contract lasts until October, when I’ll start writing this column once again on a weekly basis. Incidentally, Today is International Ladies Day. It was supposed to be yesterday, but they weren't ready in time.

On Jeremy Kyle, this feckless moron of a bloke was being thoroughly berated by his missus for spending all their giro money on beer, cigarettes and gambling. It was obvious who wore the tracksuit bottoms in that family...

I have a little SatNav, it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,, Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while, I could turn the damned thing off.

Fascinating Fact: It's amazing that the human body has over 7 trillion nerves and my missus knows how to get on every single one of them! She reckons that she has to go on a diet, because her hand won’t fit in the Pringles tub! I don't drink champagne anymore after a really bad experience. We had it at my wedding.

Breaking News: The Irish Olympic Team have just arrived in Beijing.

It's official! I have the BEST gas, electricity and phone bills on our street. All three companies have written to me and told me they are outstanding.

GEORGE: Your secretary is very sexy.

BILL: Yes! It's actually a robot, named Monica.

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation

and if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.

I'll lend it to you for a day and you can see her functions.

Next day, George called Bill from the hospital & shouted:

Bill… You bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Monica's legs is a pencil sharpener!!!

Watching a subtitled film is like chatting with a woman with very large breasts or talking to a bloke who is wearing a syrup.

Warning! Exercise extreme caution if you are Googling Gary Oldman. I inadvertently left out the letter 'R' and the results were quite shocking...

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website or email me: Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

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