I was in Boots The Chemist yesterday. "Hi. I'm looking for Sunblock" I said to the assistant."
"It's in aisle no 3, just over there" she replied. "Oh, don't worry. I've found her" I replied, pointing at the missus.
Breaking News: In the Paralympic Games, one of the British wheelchair basketball team has tested positive for WD40.
Ten Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says ''If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell." Nine of them start to walk away, when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you.''
The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''. Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you?'' Other son said ''Me too Dad''. Dad said "Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this Fuck'n family like Pussy.?" Daughter said ''I do.''
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer-Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good old laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said
''I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits''.
I said ''Sorry mate did he drown?''
No he said ''he choked on a sock. ''.
Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied ..... "that was Gary Glitter".
I overheard my wife on the phone to her friend last night. "I can't wait for next weekend!" she whispered.
"We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks." It would have been a lovely surprise, but she needs to start checking the calendar, because I'm working away that weekend.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
I remember when I first saw my wife..... Gorgeous and slim with a nice tight arse.
I've let myself go a bit since then.
My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth.
Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!
On a flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
My pilot girlfriend walked out on me because of my stupid puns.
Can't believe she took off like that.
My neighbour called me a selfish bastard because I played my music loud until 4am this morning.
Surely if I was selfish, I would've turned it down so only I could hear it?
My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that made me want to marry her mum. I said, "Come back when you're eighteen." She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?""No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied.
I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, "Is that coffee I smell?" She said, "It is and you do."
Upon stepping out of the shower this morning, the missus laughed and told me that my tallywacker closely resembled a Tic-Tac. "If that's the case", I said, "Then why does your sister still have bad breath?"
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up
"So," I said to the wife, "It'll be just me and some of the lads around tonight to have a few beers and watch the football while you're at your mother's." "I wasn't going to go to my mother's," she replied.
"Oh," I said. "Haven't I told you about me and the barmaid last night yet?"
My grandad always said to me "There are 3 kinds of people in the world, those that can count, and those that can't
My wife says I should stop living in the past and be more respectful to her...
I replied-"Pray tell, why dost thou thinketh this old hag?"
An undertaker I know has 'tape measure' eyes.
I called the vet and told him 'My wife is dropping by in a moment with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'
My wife called me and said, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything?"
"It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, "I walked." "I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."
Because of Spain's current financial situation, they've had to downgrade Tenerife to Fiverife.
The missus just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?"
I said, "F**k off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel."
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f**k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"
Said to my son."What will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
" Go on a diet.." He replied.
When a woman says "What.?", it is not that she did not hear you..
She is just giving you a chance to change your answer.
The owl & the pussycat went to sea..
But the end of this story is sad...
The owl pushed the pussycat overboard
cause her IPhone was driving him mad...
So funny all the people stuck in traffic to get to the gym, only to ride for a hour on a stationary bike...
Brought a painting yesterday at auction called the "Orgasm"...
Got it home and found out its a fake.
Doctor: "I'm afraid you have less than 6 months to live."
Patient: "What have I got?"
Doctor: "April, May, June, July and August."
here was a safety meeting in work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Fucking big ones" was the wrong answer.
Q) What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A) A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers ........!
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please!"
The cost of living is now so bad that my wife is having sex with me to save on the batteries.
A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.
I was showing my doctor a nasty rash on my willy today.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it.
He just said make an appointment for Monday morning
and carried on pushing his trolley around Sainsburys!
My missus and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice guy I am, I thought .... "Sod - it, I'll treat her!" .....
So we walked past it again!
I was chatting to this lovely looking woman, and I said "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy".
he replied, "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing"!!!
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right .... but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked.
“Well I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some tosser using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another tosser?”
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