Don Alfonso's Tweezers....

I sez to the missus, “Where have you been all day?”  She replied, "Shopping in the sales at the Trafford Centre.  I bought this dress for a ridiculous figure.”  I looked at her and said, “You’re not f**king kidding are you!”

Breaking News: Fire crews are tackling a massive blaze at Robin Van Persies house. Police suspect it may be Arsene.

A customer asked, "In which aisle would I find the Irish sausage?" The assistant enquired, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "None of your business. Now let me ask you summat. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The assistant sez, "No, I definitely would not." The fella says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"  The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

I was in my local pub, 'The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife' last night and spied two girls who I could only describe as being on the 'avant-garde side of petite' (as political correctness now obliges us to say) at the bar. They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions with regard to their origins, I politely enquired, "Excuse me, but are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them ranted, "It’s WALES you stoopid idiot!" So I immediately apologised and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?” That's when the fight started!

I got the wife one of those Pug dogs as a surprise prezzie. Despite the squashed nose, skenning eyes and trouble breathing due to excessive weight gain over several years, the dog really seems to like her.

Fascinating Fact No 1: Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two.

Fascinating Fact No 2: What do Las Vegas and Wigan have in common? In both places, you can get sex in return for chips. 

Fascinating Fact No 3: If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

I acquired a 52" plasma TV down the pub last night for just £35! There's a problem with the volume control, but at that price, I couldn't turn it down.

My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert has bought a dog to guard his house, but it lets absolutely anyone in. Apparently it`s a U.K. Border Terrier!

I am appearing at Glossop Golf Club tomorrow (Friday 7^th) with the outrageous Steve Kindon, and bon viveur and raillery exponent James H Reeve.  It’s a fundraiser for Charlesworth & Chisworth Cricket Club. On Sunday, I will be flying to Rome and return to my duties (They’ve hired me as ballast) on the magnificent Carnival Breeze, cruisin’ da Med innit. For more hilarious diatribes, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com     The wettest autumn in history is almost upon us!  Now, get back to work!