Parting is such sweet sorrow....

                                

By the time you read this, I’ll be cruising around the Norwegian Fjords on the magnificent vessel that is Anthem of the Seas. She is the second ship in Royal Caribbean's Quantum-class, and was the newest ship in the fleet. Royal Caribbean takes great pride in designing their ships with what they call a "wow" factor... and this ship was certainly full of unusual and innovative features that you won't find on most other cruise ships. The most iconic feature of Anthem of the Seas (and her sister ship, Quantum Of The Seas) is the aerial viewing pod known as "NorthStar"...

Whenever someone sez to you "I’m not book clever, but I’m street smart", all I hear is "I’m not real clever, but I’m imaginary smart". Indeed, the books they already possess have all been coloured in with crayons.


                                                                 

It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises. I’ve put on loads of weight lately. My doctor reckons that I have an overactive knife and fork. Mind you, I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. However, I still light up the room, as soon as I move away from the window.

On the same subject, I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly ain’t starving!

                                 

  

In an attempt to broaden my knowledge, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9 am in the local park each morning.

The easy way to teach children the value of money is to borrow from them.#

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?" The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand. The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

                      

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law?” Nora sez: “No. What is it?” Albert replies: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” Nora asked: “Have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?” “No. What is it?” Nora answers: “Thinly sliced raw cabbage with a mayonnaise dressing.”

I see folk mountain climbing and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my undercrackers without falling over!



A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also. The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'

                                         

I am away on abroad gigs now until the end of July, when hopefully this column will return. Have a wonderful summer and get the BBQ cranked up because it’ll be crackin’ the flags!

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

                                        

I feel sorry for the Manchester City supporters with this rail strike on the day of the cup final, it's okay for the United fans, they are living only around the corner from Wembley.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus, then asked "is this your wife sir?"  Shocked, I answered:  “Yes.”  They informed me: “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I sez:  "I know, but she has a jovial personality and she’s good with the dogs.”

Dastardly Derek and Barmy Albert were out hunting up Tintwistle  Woods. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching summat.  Derek sez to Albert:  "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can locate you."    After about 3 hours, Albert found that he was really lost. He decided to fire three shots into the air just like Dexy had told him. He then waited an hour and did it again. He repeated this until he was out of ammo.  The next morning, Derek found him with the help of the forest ranger.  He asked Albert if he had followed the instructions.   Albert answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

I’ve always been attracted to older women, primarily because they’ve become used to lifes disappointments.  Which means they are ready for me…

Yesterday, a geezer hit me with his rhythm stick. Now I’m looking for a personal Ian Dury lawyer.

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

I’ve become addicted to performing magic tricks. I need to tell the missus, but I’m afraid to pick up a Penn and Teller!

                                         

Last night, I ordered a glass of wine with my dinner and the waiter asked me to show him some I.D.  I asked him if I looked really young and he replied: “No. I’m just checking if you qualify for the O.A.P discount.”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”

                       

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!

                                       

They're not making shortbread any longer....

                            

I bought one of those smart light switches but it was too clever for me. So, I replaced it with a dimmer switch!


I told a joke in a Zoom meeting. No one laughed. It turns out I'm not even remotely funny!


I’ve come to the conclusion that Zoom meetings are akin to a modern séance. With rhetoric like: - “Emma Jayne, are you there?” “Suzie, make a sound, so we can hear you!” “George, is anyone else there with you?” “Joanne, we can’t see you, can you hear us?” Knock once for yes and twice for no!

                              

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember stuff. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asks, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied: "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not stupid! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts: "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

                                     

The teacher asked the class what their favourite animal was and little Albert sez, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed like drains! Albert’s parents told him to always tell the truth. He did. Fried chicken was his favourite animal. Albert told his dad what had happened, and he said his teacher was probably a member of the RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. Albert did too. Especially chicken, preferably the fried variety. Anyway, his teacher dispatched him to the headmaster’s office. Albert told him what had occurred, and he laughed, too! Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class the teacher asked Albert what his favourite live animal was. He told her it was chicken. She asked him why, so he told her it was because you could make it into fried chicken. She sent Albert back to the headmaster's office. The headmaster chortled and told Albert not to do it again. Albert couldn’t comprehend. His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he is. Today, his teacher asked the class to tell her what famous person they admired most. Albert told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where he is now...

                                  

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"



Elsie Grabknuckles husband has snuffed it. I took her down to the local newspaper office for her to put a notice in the obituaries section. She is short of money and just wanted to keep it brief, 'Fred is dead.' However, it turns out you can have six words for a fiver. Bargain! She put, 'Fred is dead. Volvo for sale.'

                                 

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!

                                           

The Food Bank Farrago.....

                              

I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last weekend and two blokes were discussing how their names matched their jobs. The first fella sez: "My name is Mike and I'm a singer." Whereas, the second guy replied: "Yeah, my name is Doug and I'm a gardener. Really weird isn't it." Meanwhile, two Scousers sitting at the next table maintained an uneasy silence. Their names were Nick and Rob.



Fascinating Fact: It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language.
There's 'Hors D'oeuvers' for starters.



German chancellor Olaf Scholz was attending an economic summit in Athens and the passport control authority asked him: “Nationality?” He replied: “German.” Passport control asks: “Occupation?” Scholz says: “No. I’m only here for two days…”

                                                 

It’s well documented that Rishi Sunak lives off his wife's money, whereas Dominic Raab lived off other folks dinner money...



Non-Stick Nora is organising a Coronation street party in May and asked Barmy Albert if he wanted to come. He said he did as long as he can go as Ken Barlow.



Many moons ago, I would visit many pubs and sit in the tap room to listen to the dubious characters that frequented the venue. There was a guy called Johnny Rocco in the Dog and Duck who maintained that “the CIA invented butter.” Crazy Frank in the Hare and Hounds was convinced that “the moon is a plate on a stick.” There were lots of these off-the-wall folk who were part of life’s rich tapestry in those halcyon days. I used to think, “What would it be like if they all actually met each other?” Fast forward to today and we have the internet and there they all are!
                                      

Fascinating Fact; Apparently cowboys used to tie a lantern to their horses saddle to help them see where they were going at night. It's the first known example of saddle light navigation.



I used to have a good friend whose name was Dan D'Lyon. He was an affable bloke, however his death was quite unusual. He wet the bed and his head popped off. Sad, but true….



Banks should do a lot better job keeping their ATM’s filled with cash. Five times this week it has said “Insufficient Funds.” Even the local food bank is not to be trusted. I deposited a tin of sardines in there a fortnight ago and when I went back to withdraw them last Monday, they’d gone!



We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!

                                                       

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!



Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as BBC News came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and I knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."

                                 

The Scropton Street Scenario.....

                                          

RIP Mary Quant.Many years ago, I had the pleasure of inspecting the contents of her brassiere. In those days, I was a quantity surveyor.

I just love a true story and this is one of my faves: One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do." The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?” Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off...

                               

  



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a much better offer.”



The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!



Oh, the shame of it all! Non-Stick Nora was caught shoplifting recently. The judge asked what she had nicked. “A tin of peaches”, she said. “How many peaches were in the tin?” “Six”, she replied. “Well, I'll give you six days in prison for this heinous crime.” Barmy Albert couldn’t resist shouting out, “She also nicked a tin of Heinz baked beans!”'

                          

I went to my solicitor yesterday and, like the responsible spouse that I am, I wrote out my will. As I got home I called out to the missus, "That's it done, love! When I die I'm going to leave everything to you." She cheerily called back "You already do, you useless lump!!” I did the only thing I could do. I gave her a round of applause!
                          

Breaking News: The Manchester United squad visited an orphanage yesterday. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Britney aged 6.

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street (behind the gasworks) this bloke suddenly hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished fella continued walking to the zebra crossing. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the flamin’ hell were you when I got married last week?"

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

                                   

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

Sexy lingerie for Easter...

                                   

Upon arriving outside the newsagents, there was a fella just getting in his car with his newspaper, so I reckoned that I’ll wait a moment, then commandeer the parking space that he is about to vacate. I waited awhile, but he didn’t shift, so I got out of my car to remonstrate with him. As I approached, I noticed he was reading his paper. I was fuming for a minute, but when I got closer, I noticed that he was reading this column and chuckling away to himself! So, I let the matter drop. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Bought some sexy lingerie from Ann Summers, over the weekend. “Easter Surprise for the wife?” asked the assistant. “Only if she catches me wearing it.” I replied.

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a brilliantly sunny day like we had over the Easter break, that you realise how many of them just suddenly burst into flames….

I've been asked to join a 'Stiff Little Fingers' tribute band. They're called 'Arthritis.'

While watching a movie at the local bughut recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can’t hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
                                 

I took the missus to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said “Your wife's mind has completely gone!” To which I replied “I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the past ten years.”

Some Saturdays, I like to go to the DW Stadium. I'm not a Wigan fan or anything. I just like some time on my own and a bit of peace and quiet.

Pets can be most problematic. I took my goldfish to the vets to see if there was any treatment available that might cure his chronic nervous twitching debility. The vet had a quick shufty and sez, "He seems quite tranquil and calm to me" I replied, "Yeah, but wait while I take him out of his bowl."

I walked into my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife’, and the landlord exclaimed, "Your missus looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you?" "Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

Further Fascinating Fact; Did you know that if you place your ear up to a complete stranger's foot, you can actually hear them saying, "What the flamin’ hell are you doing?!"

"I am in serious financial trouble?" cried my tearful octogenarian relative. "My winter fuel allowance didn’t cover my enormous gas bill." "But it is rather large, maybe they’ve read your meter incorrectly, or have you had the heating on full blast 24 hours a day?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and other stuff for some people," she opined. "But,the bill is nearly fifty thousand quid!" I replied. "Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?”

                           

 

I had a job interview in the fuel industry yesterday morning. When asked what experience I have, I explained that I regularly go out robbing people in broad daylight. "When can you start?" he said.

This week observes the centenary of the tragic sinking of the Titanic. Exactly one hundred years ago, relations of the passengers who sailed on the doomed vessel were stood on the docks at Southampton, frantically awaiting news of their loved ones. Suddenly, a ten foot tall polar bear pushed his way through the assembled throng and shouted, “Any news about the iceberg, pal?”

All the newspapers of the day published massive headlines with regard to the calamity: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Tameside Reporter however, carried a much more conservative approach in its reporting of the incident, there was a little column at the foot of page nineteen which read: ‘Stalybridge Man Drowns.’

                                                   

 

Fascinating fact: I'm great in bed. It's when I get up it all goes wrong!

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website http://www.comedianuk.com/ or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

                                

the fearless Frenchman...

                 

I’ve been scammed yet again! I paid a carpenter in advance to build me a bespoke double bed and found out he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another!

Q) How do you get your average Frenchman to become a fearlessly brave and highly motivated fighting machine? A) Tell him that he has to work until he’s 64.

Chancellor Olaf Scholz flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When he gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at his passport and asks, "Nationality?" He sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" He replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

Any man who reckons marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't understand two fundamental principles: 1) - Women. 2) – Fractions.
     

Because we were very poor, I was home schooled and my mother taught me to speak Japanese. Whenever the rent man knocked on the front door, I would answer and say to him “Shintin.”



When I was young, I remember sidling up to a girl in a nightclub and saying to her “Hey, good lookin’ what you got cookin’?” She replied: “Nothing spectacular, Dracula…” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already! Fast forward to last week and the doorman wouldn’t let me in because he thought “I’d had a few too many.” I replied “You mean drinks?” he sez: “No. I meant birthdays….”



I've set my bar so low that these days getting an extra bag of rubbish in just before the binmen turn up counts as an achievement. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!
                             

A pipe burst in a solicitor’s house, so he called an emergency plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and then proceeded to hand the lawyer a bill for £600. The solicitor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!” The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

Fascinating Fact; I had a deaf sheep dog. They are hard to come bye…

Barmy Albert told me that he’d left Non-Stick Nora breathless in bed last night. Apparently, he hid her inhaler.

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'
                                  

I phoned BT Broadband coz of router malfunctions et cetera. The guy asked me if I was in front of my PC, so I confirmed that I was. He then sez: “Okay, right click on Tools, Accounts, Internet options…”. I replied: “Hang on. You’re going too fast!” He asked: ”What have you done up to now?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: ”I’ve written click….”

Airports named after famous people: John Lennon and George Best. But who is Stan Sted ?..

                                     

 

I went shopping today in Aldi and I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastards name is Kevin.”
                             

                                     

Saving the planet....

                                               

                                             

As you are aware, we must all do our bit for saving the planet and combat global warming, so yesterday, I unplugged a row of electric cars, that no one was using.

                                                    

Last week, the Partygate Privileges Committee investigation into Boris Johnson had to be relocated to a larger venue, in order to accommodate Boris’s nose. You can always tell he’s lying when his lips move. Indeed, he tells so many lies, he has to get his next-door neighbour to shout his dog in!

                         

  

Had an awful night. I was tossing and turning and then I had a vivid dream that something bit me on the neck. When I got up to check, I discovered that the mirror isn't working.

I decided to visit my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and have Sunday lunch at the weekend. However, I’m sure the Chicken was undercooked, because I’ve been spitting feathers ever since!

Fascinating fact: Samuel L Jackson had just passed his driving test. From now on he'll be known as Samuel Jackson.

                                     

  

Celibacy can be a life choice, or a condition imposed by circumstance. While attending a Marriage Guidance Weekend, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, ’Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Albert leaned over, touched Nora’s arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride, isn't it?" And thus began Albert’s life of celibacy.

                                   

 

Whilst on the subject of unrequited love, here is an interesting story: Elsie Grabknuckle came home early and found her husband Tommy in their bedroom passionately making lurve with a very attractive young woman, as you can imagine, Elsie was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful cretin!' she sez. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' Tommy replied, 'Hang on just a minute, Elsie, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!'

Then Tommy began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the steak and kidney pudding that I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it all in moments. Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her those designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. Then I found the blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique in Manchester and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just the same.' Tommy took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please.... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't want?”

                                        

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

How's it going, mate?

 

                                           

Have you ever misinterpreted summat that someone else is endeavouring to convey? Unfortunately, it’s a regular occurrence for me. Yesterday, I went into the local post office up Scropton Street back snicket and the Postmaster sez to me: “How’s it going, mate?” I told him that I’d just visited the doctors surgery and my blood pressure was very high, in fact the GP told me that if it wasn’t for my skin, I’d make a fantastic fountain! And that the missus was making shepherds pie for tea. The Postmaster looked at me and with all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “No. I meant the parcel!”

 
Going to Manchester Airport. The taxi driver keeps looking in in mirror at me and then sez, “Well give us a clue, mate.“ I told him I’m an international comedian and have done Corrie and lots of other TV shows and I currently perform on the after dinner circuit working with all the top Sky sports presenters and I’ve been professional actor for nearly 50 years.” He replied “No. I mean which terminal are you going to!” I don’t think I’ll be leaving the house for a while…

 

It happened again when I went into the jewellers on the High Street. I sez to the young assistant: “I need a battery, so I can tell the time.” She asked me: “Is it for a clock?” I replied: “I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery….”

                                       

  

The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....

I asked the young lady at my local Co op: “I’m sorry to bother you, but do you sell Quorn?” She replied: “Yes, we do. What kind would you like?” I replied: “On the Quob.” She looked at me in a perplexed manner and sez: “Does matron know that you’re out of bed again?”

                         

 

Barmy Albert attended an interview for a tripe gouger at Scropton Street Abattoir... "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert “It means I don't get the job." It got worse when he went to the cinema that afternoon. Albert bought a ticket at the foyer# and the cashier sez to him "That's the fourth time you've come back in the last five minutes to buy a ticket . Albert replied: " I know but every time I get to the entrance this woman rips it in half".

Thought for Thursday: Is there anything easier done than said?

                           

  

The missus sez: "If women ruled the world, there would be no wars." "That's correct," I replied. "Because wars require strategy and logic...." That’s when the battle started!

Non-Stick Nora has put a wooden desk with an inkwell and a blackboard and chalk up in her living room. Barmy Albert asked her what it was for and she replied: “To make it more classy.”

Rumour has it the BBC might remove the Universe with Brian Cox from its broadcasts because it might upset Flat Earthers. The way things are, intelligent folk cannot say what they think in case they offend stupid people.


                                                    

I honestly never thought I would be the type of person to get up really early in the morning and go to the gym for a few hours.....and I was right!

Last year, whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. "Definitely not, Sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are considered a health hazard!" "That's okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then."

                                   

The first three minutes....

                                                    

I’ve just read an article in this very newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born.  They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life.  The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

 

I have a strong will but a weak won't.

 

I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you find her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”

 

I’ve always thought that restaurant toilets are very dangerous places. So many of my dates have gone to use them and just vanished, never to be seen ever again….

 

The maitre d asked me “How do you like your steak, sir?” I sez: “Just like winning an argument with the wife.” He replied; “Rare it is then, sir!”

                                   

Fascinating fact: French fries didn’t originate in France. They were cooked in Greece first…

 

Thought for Thursday: Whenever you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner…

 

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint.

 

                             

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.



I asked the wife to assist me in putting some posts in the ground for the new fence. I passed her the lump hammer and I sez: “When I nod my head, you hit it.” I don’t recollect very much after that….



Barmy Albert was still bladdered after the stripper and meat raffle evening up The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife Pub and he ponged like a brewery and flopped down on Scropton Street Subway next to a priest. His scarf was covered in dog hairs and Guinness, his face was plastered with Non-Stick Nora's bright red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of Absinthe was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, Albert turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon. "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with trollops and lack of a bath.” Albert muttered in response, "Well, I'll be blown over by a copper pot!" Then returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged Albert and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" Barmy Albert sez: "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

                                  

An old Yorkshire bloke is lying in his deathbed and in a trembling voice, he asks: “Is my wife here?” She replied: “Yes, I am here…” He then rasped: “Are all my children here?” In unison they all sez: “Yes, we are all here, father…” He then gasped: “Are all my grandchildren here?” They replied: “Yes, grandad, we are all here…” He then uttered his final words afore he shuffled off this mortal coil. He asked: “Then why is the scullery light still on?”



Non-Stick Nora came home to find Barmy Albert in the kitchenette preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. He was using the best China and cutlery and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oooh! This is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," Albert replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday."

I phoned the RSPCA. She sez: “Can I help you?” I replied: "Yes there's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan." She sez: "I don't believe you." I replied: "Well, you'll just have to take my whirred ferret."



A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You okay?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why?’ says asks blonde. The boy says: "Because I’m the flippin’ goalkeeper!"