Rolf Harris. There's one lot of ashes that the Australians won't be wanting back.
Even though my grandfather sadly passed away over a month ago, I still have him in my contacts. Primarily because it was blowing a gale when we scattered his ashes.
It was all very sad when grandad had to go into a home. I phoned on the first day and enquired about his welfare. The matron advised me that he’d sadly passed away, shortly after breakfast time that morning. I asked her what did he have for his final breakfast and she replied: “Cheerios…”
If any of my readers are interested, I have some Sooty & Sweep puppets that I’m trying to offload. I don’t want any money for them, I just want to get them off my hands….
I was arguing with the wife yesterday, when I heard a strange voice. Mine.
It was all my fault. I’d got in at 6am paralytic drunk and she was annoyed. In order to tell you how annoyed she was, not only had she changed the lock on the front door, she’d changed the street name as well! She screamed at me: “Where’ve you been until 6 o’clock in the morning?” I informed her that I’d been out playing poker with some blokes. She erupted again: “Oh you have, have you. You’ve been out until 6am playing poker with some blokes. Well, I’m not putting up with it any longer. Get your bags packed and get out and don’t come back!” I sez: “You’d best pack your bags as well, love, because the house isn’t ours anymore….” That’s when the fight started!
Just before going on his holiday to sunny Benidorm, Barmy Albert went to a tanning salon. He was under the lights a bit too long and the protective shades he had worn left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at himself in the mirror the next day, He thought, "Gordon Bennett! I look just like Bozo the clown." Having almost convinced himself that he was overreacting, he got in line at the supermarket checkout and felt a tug at his shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at him The kid asked: "Are you giving out any balloons?"
I was listening to a comedy show on the radio, and with perfect coordination, I tuned in to the BBC weather on the telly in an attempt to ascertain if it was going to rain. I simultaneously opened the fridge door with my right foot, which dictated that I was balanced in a most precarious manner, employing my stomach region as ballast and my left knee as a fulcrum. In addition to the total unison of my present stance, I quickly grabbed an ice-cold beer from the fridge, opened the ring-pull with my free thumb and guzzled probably about a quarter of the aforementioned throat lotion whilst flicking through the SKY remote to engage the interactive red button to display the news multi-screen. And women have the audacity to say that we men cannot multi-task! Anyway, it’s gonna rain all week. No change there then!
When I was onboard the Royal Caribbean Anthem of the Seas, this year, the cruise director was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea. "Do you know what level means?" he asked the group of six to eight-year-olds. One boy replied immediately: "A level is something you need to pass to get to a harder screen in a Sony Playstation game."
Every woman should learn to work on the toilet seat situation. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you want it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Geddit?
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!