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Sunday 22 October 2023

RIP Sir Bobby Charlton - There'll never be another...



Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Rishi Sunak, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Jacob Rees-Mogg round with a rake, pronto!

For Sale: 179,000 Railway Sleepers. These are ideal for raised garden beds, et cetera. Contact Rishi Sunak. Westminster.

Storm Babet caused ructions last week when tempestuous rainfall caused floods and irreparable damage across the UK. A woman in Stalybridge caught a prawn in a mousetrap.

Meanwhile, in the Maldives, an engineer and a solicitor were fishing. “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was lost by the fire,” the attorney explained. “The insurance company covered everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” the engineer said. “I’m here because a flood ruined my house and all of my stuff, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” “A flood? How do you start a flood?” the perplexed attorney inquired.



The missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio: "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....

A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily and responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day." She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.



Chester Draws is on a call to Tameside Hospital and shouts frantically down the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Chester, "this is her husband!"

A Scouser on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money!”

Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that she’s teaching her dog to speak a foreign language" "Español?" Albert enquired: "No, he's a lurcher" Nora replied.

I tried to get into my car only to find my wire coat hanger locked inside. Luckily, I had my keys with me.

Tommy Grabknuckle was very unlucky. He won the Euro Millions and invested all the money in a time machine and traveled thirty years into the future, only to discover that he’d been missing for the past thirty years.


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