I’m often told that sixty is the new forty. Primarily, that’s why I’m on a speed awareness course next Wednesday. It all appertained to when I got pulled over by the police last month. He said, "Sir, are you aware that your vehicle was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry ossifer, but I've necked eight pints of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, down The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and feel a tad bladdered." He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and sez, "That's no excuse to let your missus drive!"
Non-Stick Nora was talking to Barmy Albert and asked him: "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would you choose?" Albert replies, "Definitely the living one."
I've just found out that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale. Does anyone know a ball park figure?
Adam was lonely in the garden of Eden so God promised him a woman companion to make his dinner, do the laundry, keep the house clean, bear children, never argue with him and make love whenever he wanted. The price was an arm and a leg. Adam offered a rib. The rest is history.
Art, Bart and Fargo are on a boat with four cigars, but nothing to light them with. Suddenly, Art threw a cigar overboard and the vessel was then a cigar lighter…
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you’re in your coffin, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Sidney sez: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. "Tommy commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives." Billy sez: "I’d like them to say, "Look, he’s moving!"
A bloke in Manchester walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The bloke was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back office, the boy told the manager, "Some old cretin wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the bloke was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager okayedf the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the young lad: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" " Wales, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Wales ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but loose wimmin and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from Wales!" "Really?" replied the boy, "What position did she play?"
We were in our local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. "Cost me fifty quid this!" he shouted, as we all continued laughing. "I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile . "Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...
Strictly Come Dancing has made a welcome return. My problem is that I have two left feet and cannot dance to save my life. However, as soon as I step in dog poo, I can Moonwalk betterer than Michael Jackson!