Today is a milestone! Yes, folks, you have no need to wear a mask anymore. It’s as safe as houses. Yesterday, schools and supermarkets were dangerous and masks had to be worn. Today, there’s no problem whatsoever. You can also ditch your Covid passports because the virus knows exactly what day it is! Who’d a thowt it! As you were. Learn to live with it. We’re all in this together. Omincron or Glossop Chron? You choose!
One idiot equals one idiot. Two idiots are equal to two idiots. Thousands of idiots are Boris Johnson’s Tory Party, with the accent on PARTY! .
So I sez to the vicar: “This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” He replied: “It’s Norman.” I sez: “Sorry, Norman. This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?”
Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!
I often wonder if women ever ponder and think: “My man really does seem to be quite intelligent and is an absolute mine of valuable information. Perhaps I should just remain silent and listen to him a lot more...”
My grandad predicted the sinking of the Titanic. He told folk it was doomed afore it actually sailed! Did anyone take any notice? No! They all totally ignored him. In the end, he was thrown out of the cinema!
I sez to the missus:"Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!
Barmy Albert reckons he’s a strong man, yesterday he was bragging to Non-Stick Nora that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Nora,
telling her that she possessed the strength of a ninepenny rabbit! After several minutes, she had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" she said. "I will bet you your months pension money that I can haul summat in a wheelbarrow over to that shed that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on!” Albert replied, "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Nora reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Albert, she shouted: "All right. Get in!"
WEATHER WARNING! Southerners: Snow, ice and blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s email@example.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!