I sauntered into my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife to meet Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert and there were three absolutely stunning ladies sat at a table by the bar and I immediately sussed out what they were doing. When any bloke walked in, they were giving him points out of ten indicating how attractive the guy was. When I entered the room, they all unanimously gave me a score of 9! Feeling quite chuffed, I waltzed up to Nora and she asked me why I was looking so pleased with myself, so I told her that all the three gorgeous girls on the table had just rated me a 9. Barmy Albert sniffed and sez “I don’t want to burst your bubble, but before you came in, they were all talking in German!”
The German team are out of the World Cup in Qatar. England payers have been warned by Gareth Southgate that if they bump into any of them not to mention the VAR!
BREAKING NEWS: A lorry has shed its entire load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. A police spokesman said that the motorway is likely to be closed for around 2 or 3 minutes....
WOW! I’m staggered1 Just saw a sign in Tesco that sez Turkey £29. That’s £400 cheaper than Jet2 or TUI.....
Nobody informed me that when you acquire a wife, that the ears are sold separately.
Everyone seems to be moaning about genetically modified food. There's nothing wrong with it, I've just had a lovely leg of Salmon. Genetically modified chicken is flying off the shelves...
Whenever someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first. This pretty much explains everything you need to know about marriage. Taking the above into account, the wife has been missing for well over a fortnight now and the police came to my house last night, to tell me the bad news, So I’ve had to go to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
Fascinating Fact: For many years I always thought hitchhikers were complimenting me on my driving.
Top Tip: To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box that it came in.
T.V. has gone full circle. Not too many years ago, the public used to sit and watch entertainers like me on the telly. Now, entertainers sit indoors and watch the public on T.V.
MGM studios have announced a remake of Hitchcock’s classic The Birds. Leading roles played by Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal and Ethan Hawke, with music by Taylor Swift.
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? There’s Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine and Ayr Town Centre.
Little Sammy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Sammy asked: "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Sammy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy mummy."
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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