I had this lucid dream last night. It went thus: There was a rat-a-tat-tat at my front door last night and when I opened it, it was a badger from the woods opposite my house. “What do you want?” I asked him. He gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied: “I’ve been in hibernation all winter and just surfaced. I’d just like to know what happened with all that Brexit gubbins?” I didn’t know what to say. I took him to a local restaurant and we had the sett meal for two.
I’ve been overwhelmed with an urge to visit Tameside Hospital and assist in the maternity unit and help deliver babies. I told my doctor all this and she reckons that I’m going through a midwife crisis.
Have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Manchester have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an ‘Event Boundary’ in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that flamin’ door! Did I tell you about this already? Do we put the bins out tonight, or is it tomorrow?
I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday morning and spotted this bloke who was on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket. I said to him, “You can hide, but you can’t run!”
Our local council reckon they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing two cases of Stella Artois, for the price of one!"
I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Now get back to work!