The Brexit Farrago....

                 

When Theresa May sees light at the end of the Brexit tunnel, she orders more tunnel!   The reason why politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the shambles they have themselves created during this EU farrago. The elections on May 2nd give us the opportunity to rid ourselves of these knaves, rascals and self-serving charlatans.


                                     

Barmy Albert sauntered up Scropton Street into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and ordered a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. He then proceeded to insert a £1 coin into the fruit machine. The machine coughed, then spat the quid coin out and a voice from within the bandit shouted “You’re a right ugly cretin you are and your breath smells putrid!” He stepped backwards in utter shock and staggered to the bar, where there was a bowl of nachos, as he nibbled on one, a voice from the bowl sez:”May I say that you’re very well dressed and you look 20 years younger than your actual age. That’s also a magnificent tie that you’re wearing!” He told the Bert the barman all this and Bert sez:”Sorry about that Albert, the nachos are complimentary, whereas the fruit machine is out of order...”



Thought for Thursday: I must be an optimistic pessimist, as I look forward to thinking the worst!

                             

Breaking News: ASDA have announced that they are to create 12,000 new jobs in the UK. The Polish Prime Minister is said to be "Absolutely delighted!"



I got home really late last night and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, as quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”
                                           

I asked the missus: "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of English football?" "It's really appalling," she replied. "Absolutely bobbins" "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."

                             

I was driving past Strangeways Prison yesterday and spotted a dwarf clambering down a rope on the wall.
I thought "Well that's a little condescending"

Exactly 107 years ago today, all British newspapers published massive headlines with regard to the disaster: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Sholver Gazette, however, carried a much more conservative and subtle approach in its reporting of the incident. A little column at the foot of page 27 read: ‘Stalybridge Man Drowns.’

                                           

Fascinating Fact: Scientists have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


                                                 

                                                           

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!