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Monday 22 April 2019
Over Easter, I went to a new restaurant, ‘The Brexiteer’. Gave my order to the waitress and the chef served something entirely different!
The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called this morning and told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back.
I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when the barman asked me: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" I informed him: "An end to all this Brexit gubbins, maybe a general election, if we can’t leave the EU without a deal. Perhaps, a bigger house, more money and a missus that doesn’t nag as much." "No!" exclaimed the barman patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for my mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for my daughter Suzie to do well in her job!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez the barman, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez the barman. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."
When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
The day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....
Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with seven blokes. Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org