Breaking News: Rain is expected in Qatar today. FIFA have cancelled all matches in the event that there is a rainbow. Meanwhile, England team wives and girlfriends (WAGS) are asking the militia where they can get their lashes done! Things are different in Qatar, for instance the TV show ‘Flog it’ is nothing whatsoever to do with antiques....
Finally Extinction Rebellion has got payback for its dastardly deeds! A protestor called Tarquin glued himself to a road in Toxteth, Liverpool and was relieved of his watch, wallet and mobile phone!
I visited the hairdresser last week and he was incessantly chatting about holidays, weather, cricket, the World Cup in Qatar especially the England team. He sez to me: “Do you know that your hair is going grey?” I replied: “Well get a move on then!”
We had a bit of an argument when she noticed that our new neighbours are so madly in love. She told me “He strokes her hair and constantly kisses and hugs her.” and then sez: “Why don’t you do that?” I replied: “Because I don’t know her that well yet...” That’s when the fight started!
Just because you have green fingers doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a good gardener. You could be just a lousy painter. However, you should never tell any secrets in the garden, because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk!
I’m very good in the bedroom department. Twenty years, I worked for IKEA. I asked the missus why she married me. She sez: “Because you’re very funny!” I replied: “I thought it was because I’m very good in the bedroom department.” She sez|: “See! You’re hilarious!”
I sincerely hope that the richest man on the planet, namely Elon Musk never gets himself into a scandal, because Elongate would be really drawn out...
Barmy Albert walked into the bedroom and encounters Non-Stick Nora packing a suitcase. He asks her where she’s going. She replies: “I’ve heard that in New York, high class call girls get £300 doing what I do for you for free!” Albert starts packing his own suitcase and Nora asks him where he is off to. He replied: “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you’re gonna manage on £600 per year!”
Arrived home last night to discover a voluptuous young woman grouting my bathroom wall whilst singing “It’s a heartache, nothing’ but a fools game.” I thought to myself: “She’s a bonny tiler.”
Thanks to all the folks that told me that it’s okay to allow your pets to sleep on your bed. My goldfish is now dead!
Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" Knock knock.
When I was a little kid, my parents would always say: “Excuse my French” immediately after using a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day at school when the teacher asked if any of us in the class knew any French....
Innit awful gerrin auld! I’d been in bed for twenty five minutes when I realised that I’d only gone upstairs for my book!
I have Sooty and Sweep puppets if anyone wants them. Don’t want anything for them; I’m just looking for someone to take them off my hands.
I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are.But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!