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Saturday 24 February 2024

The Dead Duck Farrago....

                                            


Yesterday, I contacted Tameside Hospital to advise them that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I hereby give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly  informed me that this isn't an option for a sprained ankle....

I learn summat new every day! If the missus ever sez: "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."   "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

Back in the day, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me: "Where the hell did you find her? She's boss-eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”  When I eventually got her in my bedroom, she proclaimed: “You’ve never removed a girls bra before, have you?” I replied: “What makes you say that?” She replied: “The scissors….”


Fascinating Fact: Bigamy: one wife too many; Monogamy; same thing.


                                       


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle brought a very limp duck into the veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away." A distressed Elsie wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left them in the room, and returned a few moments later with a huge  black  Labrador Retriever.  As Elsie looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad, eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a Siamese cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced an invoice, which he handed to Elsie. still in shock, she took the bill, "£180! she cried, £180 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £180.00."

 

 

Non-Stick Nora goes up to the bar her local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife. She gestures alluringly to Cyril, the barkeep, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, Nora seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you in charge tonight?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no, but it’s the landlord’s night off and he’s upstairs" Cyril replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  "I’m afraid I can’t," breathes Cyril. "Is there anything I can do?"  "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she, continues, running her hands across Cyril’s beard.  "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say out of breath.  "Tell him: "she whispers, "there is no bog roll in the ladies khazi."

                               


Isn’t it very sad, when your kids grow up and leave home to go and stare at their phones somewhere else? You remember all the happy times you’ve had whilst they were little. When my daughter Suzie Nellie (26) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed upstairs into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”

 

Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week in Stalybridge, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly, so as not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs that he realized that he was on the 237 bus!

 

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                              


Sunday 18 February 2024

Yes! We Have No Chinese Chicken Wings....

                                              


It was fancy dress night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora had hired some magnificent costumes and gone dressed as two owls.  They were both playing pool in the games room, when Nora inadvertently potted the white ball. Barmy Albert proclaimed: “That’s two hits to me!” Nora replied: “Two hits to who?”

Went to view a house yesterday, with period features. She hates it when I call her that...

Whenever a woman sez: “We need to talk," why is it never about football? I sez to the missus: "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!

Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"

The wife is one of four sisters and they’re all named after stones.  She has a younger sister called Ruby, a wonderful sister called Pearl and a lovely older sister called Sapphire.  The missus is called Pumice.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters the confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the inebriated bloke just sits there in silence.  Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles: "Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!


                                         


This little girl sez to her Dad: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Popped into the local convenience Co-Op store and asked for a box of Ty-Phoo tea bags.  The girl behind the counter said:   "Sorry, it’s off the shelves, due to the Houthi Rebels attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea." I sez:  "Oh alright, do you have any Chinese Chicken Wings?" The shop assistant replied:  "Ah that’s another problem, it’s been withdrawn due to the Asian bird flu health scare.” I composed myself, and proclaimed:  "Well do you have any Turkey Twizzlers?”  "Sorry, not available, due to the health scare" came the repetitive answer. "What about those spicy chicken rissoles topped with goat’s cheese, garlic and sauté potatoes?" I politely enquired. She looked at me with disdain and informed me:   "No, can’t supply that item, due to the current bird flu health scare".  "So, they’re all off the shelves because of the health scare?"  Shop assistant "Yes."  With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez to her: "Just give me forty Lambert and Butler cigarettes, they’ll keep me off the vapes!”  "That’ll be £24.89" came the reply.  Then, to compound an already unfortunate farrago, our budgie died of flu.  It flew under a bus!  Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I’ve put on acres of timber since Christmas. In a desperate bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!


                             


I was so desperate to shed weight, that I made a doctor’s appointment. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork...

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers alighted, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with our airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a zimmer frame  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down by the Russians?"

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

                                            






Sunday 11 February 2024

Confessions of Tommy Grabknuckle....

                                                  





I was in Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.  I told her that I was married and she shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”

 

A lifelong agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy.  So, I hid her in the attic.”  The priest answered: “That was a wonderful thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes, pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.” The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly, what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?”

 

Q) What has five toes and isn't your foot?

A) My foot.


                                              


 

Top Tip: Leaving a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.

Non- Stick Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang. Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be home for a while,  because he’s in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!”

Doctor Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP,  who declares: “We need a 4th for golf.”  His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!”

 

Chester Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others.  This is not a typo….

Many years ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had to go.  I then purchased a blue car and found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts.  After that I acquired a red car and found that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired.  It was designed badly.  After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew it, the yellow car was my proud possession.  Bad move!  It turned out to have an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured.  I had no option but to get rid of the vehicle.  These days, I drive a silver car.  No problems whatsoever!  If I could recommend my readers to buy a car, whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the one to own.  However, nowadays, the government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange times.  We have cars that drive themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!

 

Riddle me this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Such is technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

                                          


 

 

 

Sunday 4 February 2024

Small minority wanted....

                                          


The rain was tempestuous and the storm was gathering apace, when Non-Stick Nora discovered Barmy Albert perched in front of a big puddle outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, totally drenched and holding a tree branch with a length of twine dangling in the muddy water. Nora stopped and asked him: " What’re you doing?” "Fishing" declared Albert. Feeling really sorry for him, Nora sez:  "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.  I’m buying!"   While languishing in front of the pub fire as they sip their hot toddies, Nora can’t resist asking: "So how many have you caught today?" " You’re the fifth" replies Barmy Albert.

Over the weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!” If you’re ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however, still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!

So, the geezer with the orange apron in B & Q told me that: “With this state-of-the art chainsaw you’ll be able to fell forty trees a day!” I took it back the following week and I told the customer services bloke that that I’ve tried it out and I only managed to fell twenty trees a day with it.” The customer services guy takes it from me and pulls the start cord and it works brilliantly.  I sez to him: “What the hell is all that noise?”

On the same subject, Tommy Grabknuckle went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the fella in the orange apron. "It's going to be a barbecue." Tommy replied. "Wow! that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," Tommy sez: "Not really. I live on the 12th floor."

                          





Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can’t look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her diploma, which bore her full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a gorgeous statuesque brunette with the same name had been in my high school class some forty odd years ago. Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, back in the day? Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought that this grey-haired woman with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been my classmate, or could she? After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Nicholls Ardwick High School.  "Yes, I did." she gleamed with pride.  "What year did you leave?" I asked. .She answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. She looked at me closely. Then, that old, wrinkled harridan of a dentist asked me: "What subject did you teach?"


                      




 

Ten reasons you can tell that you’re getting old:   

1.You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay at home.

5. When happy hour is a nap.

6. When you’re on holiday and you run out of breath before you run out of money.

7. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. When all you want for your birthday is to NOT be reminded of your age.

9. When you step off the kerb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. You go to watch a ‘wet shawl’ competition.


                                  






 

 

 

Friday 26 January 2024

The Gross Aggrandised Annuity Farrago...


                                     


BREAKING NEWS: Jürgen Klopp announces shock decision to step down as Liverpool manager at the end of the 2024 season, after eight and a half years.  He has said he is “Running out of energy.” He reckons his younger brother Klipperty might want to take over. A Liverpool fan said today: "This is the saddest day for Liverpool since the invention of locking wheel nuts."

                                  


Last week, I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," I replied. "It means I don't get the job."

The missus texted me at a gig last week: “Windows at home frozen – what should I do?” I texted back: “Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them.”  A few minutes later, she replied: “Done all that, now computer won’t work at all now”.

Barmy Albert had a terrible accident at work.  He cut two fingers off his right hand and was taken to A & E at Tameside Hospital.  He asked the doctor if he’d still be able to write with it.  The doctor sez: “Probably.  But I wouldn’t count on it.”  When he went into surgery, the consultant told Albert that with the technology they have today, if he’d had packed the fingers in ice and brought them to the hospital, they could have stitched them back on.  Albert replied: “I know that.  But I couldn’t pick them up!”  In fact, he only noticed the two fingers were missing when he was saying good night to the foreman….

I overheard a woman (she had a face like a careless beekeeper) on the 237 bus saying that she won’t let her grandchildren watch Peppa Pig on telly, because it encourages bad behaviour like “Jumping in puddles.”  When I was a kid, I watched Road Runner, but I haven’t blown anyone up with a stick of dynamite as yet. 

Non-Stick Nora visited the doctor and told him that her body hurts wherever she touched it. “That’s impossible!” the doctor proclaimed.  “Show me.” Nora touched her elbow and screamed in pain. She then pushed her knee and ankle and screamed. The doctor asked her: “Do you dye your hair?” Nora replied: “No.  I’m really a blonde.” The doctor sez: “I thought so.  Your finger is broken…”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was doing the Times crossword and shouted to his wife Elsie who was in the kitchenette: “I’m stuck on 4 across.  The clue is flightless bird from Iceland. 6 and 7 letters” Elsie shouted back: “That’s easy. It’s frozen chicken….”

Thought for Thursday: It’s strange, is it not, that the UK government are able to police the pirates who are causing ructions to merchant shipping in the  Red Sea, but can’t sort out the shenanigans in the English Channel.

                                   




Moreover, only a fool believes that electricity used for air conditioning harms the planet, but electricity used to charge a Tesla doesn’t. However, this geezer picked up his brand-new Tesla and the salesman tells him: “This car is so high-tech that you just have to speak to the radio  and it’ll play exactly what it is told!” The bloke gives it a go.  He shouts “Beatles” and it plays ‘Help.’  He shouted “Stones.” And it played ‘Satisfaction’. A couple of days later, he is out driving, when he gets cut up at a roundabout.  He shouts “Effin Wanker!” and the radio starts playing: “When you Walk Through a Storm, Hold Your Head Up High….”

I phoned that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."

Dianne Abbott has come to the conclusion that the moon is actually more useful than the sun. Since the moon gives us light when it’s dark.  Whereas, the sun only gives us light during the day, when it’s already light.  Fascinating!

Fascinating Fact: The naked man fears no pickpockets…

 Pinch Punch. First of the month! I sincerely reckon that the person who invented the word February, must’ve had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Was it a lady named Siobhan? Did she live in Featherstonehaugh?  The missus sez: "New year, same old lazy you. I hope you've got something good planned for Valentines Day." I replied: "I have indeed. I think I'll take the Christmas tree and all the decorations down."  That’s when the fight started!

                                  


Saturday 20 January 2024

When your dog has eaten your philosophy homework....

 

                                                     



I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a gorgeous foxy blonde lady sitting at the bar drinking champagne. Just my type, thought I and meandered across and sat down next to her. I sez: "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!



Over Christmas, I visited a night club in Manchester and the doorman curtly informed me that I couldn’t be admitted because it looked as though: “I’d had a few too many!” I sez: “You mean drinks?” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied” “No. I meant birthdays!”

I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one’s feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching The Chase, when I heard her voice from the kitchenette. "What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog!"


                                                                      


Meanwhile, at Hovel No 9, up Scropton Street back snicket, Barmy Albert is getting into the shower, just as Non-Stick Nora is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. Nora quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there standeth Sidney, the next-door neighbour. Before she utters a syllable, Sid exclaims: "I'll give you £500, if you’re prepared to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, Nora drops her towel and stands naked in front of Sid. After a few seconds, Sid hands her £500 and leaves. Nora then proceeded to wrap herself back up in the towel and returns upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, Albert sez: "Who was that at the door?" Nora replied: "It was Sid, the next-door neighbour," Albert sez: "Excellent! Did he give you that £500 he owes me?"

As I get older, I’ve noticed that: My forget is getting betterer, but my remember tote is broke. To you that may seem amusing, but to me, this is no joke. For when I'm here, I'm wondering, If I really should be there and when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Many times I walk into a room, thinking “what have I come in here for?” I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score. At times I put something away, where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from is generally only me! When shopping, I may see someone and say: “Hello” and have a chat. Then, when that person walks away I think: “Who the flamin’ ‘ell was that?’ Yes, my forget is going betterer but my remember tote is broke, and it's driving me pots for rags and that isn't any joke!

I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test...’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" She said, "Because we're still in Liverpool."

                           

  

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                          

Sunday 14 January 2024

If you fancy a chortle......

 

                                       



I walked to the local paint shop to get thinner. It didn't work. I then decided to fill the car up with petrol. I visited petrol filling station, however, the first pump I went to didn’t work, I tried the second pump and nothing came out of that one either, nor the third pump. So, I went into the kiosk and said to the young lady behind the counter: "Do you have your pumps on?" "No, I haven’t", she said "I’ve got me Ugg boots on!"



On Epiphany, The Imperial Wizard Roy Wood was accused of being a hypocrite, after it emerged that he’d taken down all his Yuletide decorations. Despite claiming that he wished it could be Christmas every day, Mr Wood was spotted over the weekend disposing of tinsel, glittery baubles and a Christmas tree (minus all the needles!) at the local Domestic Waste Disposal and Household Items Recycling Centre, (hereinafter referred to as the Tip). What could follow? No snow at Christmas? No peace on earth? Noddy Holder screeching at us that it's NOT actually Christmas? Mud telling us that they weren’t actually lonely this Christmas, they had a load of mates round and were all dancing about on their Tiger Feet? That’s right, That’s Right, That’s Right!



Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street back snicket, standing at the base of a flagpole, gazing skyward when Non-Stick Nora walked by and asked him what he was up to. Albert sez: “I’m supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but I don't have a ladder.” So, Nora took out a pair of mole grips from her handbag, loosened a few nuts and bolts and then proceeded to lay the flagpole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure out of her anorak pocket, took a few measurements and proudly announced that it was exactly sixteen feet and nine inches. Just then, as she was sauntering off, Albert shouted: “Typical woman! I need the height and you give me the length”

                          



Ladies! Listen Up! According to quantum physics, a particle vibrating due to your sound when you speak can affect a molecule inside a star at the very edge of the universe instantly. This phenomenon is known as quantum entanglement. The greatest illusion of the universe is the illusion of separation. It’s like when you’re shopping in The Trafford Centre and your husband goes missing, but you eventually find him in Wetherspoons.



Fascinating Facts: There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. Moreover, after all these years, the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full.



I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she'd show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible!



My granny always used to say that the answer to everything, was a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. She was a lovely woman, but she was rubbish on The Chase.

                                               



In 2024, take care of yourself and avoid accidents, because spare parts for old models like you and I are no longer in stock.



If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are in a quandary, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a cheese omelette! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too: - comedianuk@sky.com

                                                       

Sunday 7 January 2024

Small Minority Wanted....

                   




My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

We were really poor as kids. At Christmas, my older brother got an air guitar and I got his old one…

I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was the dulcet tones of Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR!

Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied, “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert tottered up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?'” Albert replied: “No, they're mine...” That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.

                             


A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!”

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother.


                                           


Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?”

In 2024 take the following steps to looking after yourself: Avoid lollygaggers, knaves and popinjays. If it dosen’t seem okay, then don’t do it. Say exactly what you mean. Trust your instincts. Never speak in a negative fashion about yourself. Never give up on your dreams. Say NO! a lot more often. Be kind to yourself. Let go of whatever you can’t control. Stay well away from drama, negativity and toxic narcissists. Love. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or you can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                               

  

Friday 5 January 2024

The New Year Resolution....

                                            




I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR!

Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied: “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert went up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Non-Stick Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those Thick Lens glasses you're wearing?'” Albert replied: “No, they're mine...” That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.

                                     


A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!”

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother.

Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?”

                                       



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or youcan email me too! comedianuk@sky.com