Search This Blog
Friday 19 April 2024
Tuesday 16 April 2024
This is good. But is it Art?
I've been helping my old mate Art Garfunkel update and modernise his antiquated kitchenette. The wooden floor had dry rot, so we decided to rip it all out and replace it with a concrete floor. We were shovelling all the concrete down for the floor, but unfortunately copious amounts of air pockets appeared in it and it was all uneven and skewiff. Luckily, Art had ordered many brand-new white goods items for the new kitchenette, so I ended up dragging one over the top to conceal the bumpy surface. Now, he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.
While I was at Art’s council maisonette, who should pop in to help us mix the concrete, but my other bosom buddy and Art’s erstwhile partner Paul Simon. As we were shovelling the sand and cement into the mixer, I asked him: “Paul, just remind me, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” he replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Okay. Al, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” Paul Simon helping us was a big mistake, because later on, we realised that the concrete floor had begun Slip, Sliding Away. I told him that the mix was three of sand and one of cement, but as all these pop icons seem to do, he insisted on a re-mix.
Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals sauntered in to assist with the project. He told me that he might be moving permanently to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there. When he spotted the wonky concrete floor he started laughing and began singing: “This Is The House That Jack Built.” .” I was unaware that Alan had brought Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear with him. The bear started tap-dancing on the wet concrete, leaving a trail of footprints and exacerbating the poor condition of the floor surface. Simon Smith enticed the bear out of the area with a piece of cheese. The cheese was Camembert. (Geddit?)
Mark Knopfler called in as well! He was carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. Art Garfunkel asked him: "Where’ve you been all day?" Mark replies, "They asked me to open the new art museum and if I'd do it, they sez that I can have a rare French impressionist painting, then I called in the chippy on the way here." "How much cash did you spend today then?” Asked Paul Simon "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were all avid Dire Straits fans. I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."
While we were buying the sand and cement in B & Q, we bumped into Bono from U2. He was wandering around aimlessly and appeared to be a tad disorientated. I asked him why he was going up and down every aisle and tut-tutting. He sez: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For...”
Outside on the car park, there was an Abba tribute band playing. They were excessively loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you certainly can with a tribute band. I often wonder if Steve and Dave had formed the band instead of Benny and Björn, would they have called it ASDA?
It was fantastic seeing all my old mates. All their respective songs are timeless and the music perennial. I just can’t get into the music of today. I’ve always thought that Arianna Grande was a font!
The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?
Famous Quotes: “To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre. “Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.
Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"
Gerry Marsden sang: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” I’ve been to Liverpool quite a few times and I must say that it’s very good advice.
Fascinating Fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the chorus to Old McDonald Had A Farm…
Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....
Next time you’re up Scropton Street back snicket, then pop into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub and raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!
Saturday 13 April 2024
Awareness Awareness Week....
My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. This accusation is patently absurd. Primarily because I didn't even know it was her birthday! She was also most upset because I don’t buy her flowers anymore. To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers! Last year, she wanted me to take her to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean, but I got it all so very wrong. Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated. She also told me: “You can get me anything from The Body Shop.” So, I got her a front-nearside wing for a Ford Focus. Yes, you’ve guessed. It was the wrong colour!
I entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day? Then annoy Specsavers staff by wandering up to their counter squinting your eyes whilst looking up behind them. When they ask if they can help you say: "Big Mac and fries please!"
Riddle me this: How come there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, but not enough to fill pot holes?
Non-Stick Nora advised Barmy Albert: "There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities.” Albert sez; "That's fantastic! Because this afternoon, I have a serious drinking opportunity." Barmy Albert was celebrating a bargain purchase that he'd made last week. He bought a 14lb lump hammer for £3.
The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a £100 into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
Because I don't know how to navigate the social networking platform known as X (Formerly Twitter) I now carry around a mega phone and announce what I’m doing at random times during each day. I have three followers so far and two of those are police officers.
The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune times. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!
I called the vet and told him: “The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?” “Sure” he said, ‘but will your cat find the way back home alone?’”
The man who invented ‘auto correct’ died last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial. I must confess that auto correct really gets on my nerves. It makes Hugh sail sum thong ewe diddly Nintendo…
Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
Sunday 7 April 2024
Too much information....
The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez: “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started...
All these wretched potholes are driving me doo-lally. We used to drive on the left of the road, nowadays, we drive on what’s left of the road!
If you’re ever with me and someone comes up to us and starts talking and I fail to introduce you, it’s strictly because I cannot remember their name. So, please feel free to be astounding and introduce yourself, in order that I can then hear their name and pretend that I knew it all along. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
Hypothetically, just imagine if we all existed in a world where all cars were electric vehicles, when suddenly, along comes a brand new invention called the "Internal Combustion Engine"! Think how well they would sell: A vehicle half the weight, half the price that will almost quarter the damage done to the road. A mode of transport that can be refuelled in one tenth of the time and has a range of up to four times the distance in all weather conditions. It does not rely on the environmentally damaging use of non-renewable rare earth elements to power it, and use far less steel and other materials. Just think how excited folk would be for such advanced technology, it would sell like hot cakes! Moreover, statistics now tell us that 88% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 12% actually made it home! Electric cars: A plan that dosen’t work to remedy a problem that dosen’t exist….
I fondly recollect going to Blackpool for our summer holidays in my dad's company vehicle. It took us over three weeks to get there. He was a milkman. His name was Ernie.
Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street languishing in his local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, when Non-Stick Nora asked him: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" He informed her: "An end to all this Rwanda gubbins, maybe a general election in May, get all these potholes mended. Perhaps, a nice Bank Holiday with some sunny weather, more money and for the cost of living to go down." "No!" exclaimed Nora patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for the mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for the Tory government to become a distant memory!" "What's it to be?" exclaims Nora, less patiently. "Labour or Liberal Democrats, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez Nora, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," Albert opined, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez Nora. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."
Two good deeds done yesterday. Firstly, I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used. Then in Lidl, an old lady at the checkout was in trouble. Her bill was £51-32 and after she’d counted out all her change, she only had £49-80. She didn’t want my assistance, bless her, but in just a couple of minutes, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
In America, you can drive for over four hours and you’re still in the same part of the country, because it’s so vast. Whereas, in the United Kingdom, if you drive for two hours, the local accent has changed twice and bread rolls have a different name.
Different dialects are part of the UK’s identity. A Yorkshire bloke goes to the vet and sez: “I’d like to get me cat neutered.” The vet asks him: “Is it a Tom?” The bloke replies: “No. It’s here in this cardboard box….” The same Yorkshire fella goes into the jewellers and asks him: “Can thee make me a gold statue of me dog?” The jeweller sez: “Dust thy want it eighteen carat?” Fella replies: “No. I’ll avvit chewin’ a bone…”
On the same subject. Two Geordie blokes were talking. One sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts.” The other Geordie replied: “Why aye. It’s Bounty!
If you haven't accomplished anything so far in your life, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. However, you should consider your past track record. I was a failure in the boom era, so I now find myself on the crest of a slump. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me; comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
Friday 29 March 2024
The gender agenda bender....
This year, Easter has coincided with April Fool’s Day, so technically, you could hold an Easter egg hunt for the kids, who would be searching for chocolate eggs that you haven’t actually hidden! Barmy Albert has had double glazing installed, so that his grandchildren cannot hear the ice cream van!
This dog goes into the Post Office and sez to the Postmaster behind the counter: "I’d like to send a telegram please". The Postmaster sez: "What message do you want to send?" The dog replies: "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof". The Post Office geezer sez: "For the same money, you can have an extra three ‘woof’s’ in the telegram" The dog replies: "That would be absurd. It wouldn’t make any sense then."
Non-Stick Nora goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the Nora examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the Non-Stick Nora. "Okay" replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" Suddenly, as if in a surreal dream sequence, Ricky Gervais appears, dressed as a chef! He carries a large carving knife, the waiter instructs Ricky to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Ricky Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its little face. Ricky is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Madam," says the waiter, "This is Hans, the pot washer. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry madam, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "It just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" I'll get me hat and coat...
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model..
The women won. Allegedly!
I hired a stretch limousine yesterday for the princely sum of £300. I have just discovered that it doesn’t come with a driver. I cannot believe that I have spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it….
I don't know how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music? Mind you, I read somewhere that the original victim in the Jaws movie suffered from terrible dandruff. Apparently, they found his Head and Shoulders on the beach! Maritime folklore advises us that in the event of a shark attack, you should poke the shark in the eyes and it will recoil instantly. I prefer to employ my already proven and successful form of defence, which is staying in Glossop….
While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries and not a care in the world. Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave, can spoil my day.
This weekly humour column may contain egregious crapulous logorrhea coupled with copious amounts of discombobulated addlepated blather. This unique formation could tickle your guffaw glands and cause enhancement of your chuckle endorphins in the cranium area. In order to ascertain if this whimsical farrago might affect you personally, I strongly urge you to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work!
Saturday 23 March 2024
Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime...
The missus asked me: “How would you describe me?” I sez: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” She thought for a moment and replied: “What does that mean?” I told her: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fabulous, gorgeous and hot!” She sez: “Thank you. But what about I-J-K?” I replied: “I’m just kidding!” That’s when the fight started!
Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”
When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the young officer an ear-to-ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. For several years, wealthy furniture manufacturer Chester Draws had been conducting a clandestine affair with a gorgeous Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, business or his marriage, Chester paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide generous financial support until the kid turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about eight months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Darling' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card. His face turned ashen and he keeled over and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
A day is a long time, in the life of a comedian. For instance, the day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. He told me that after 25 years of manufacturing crisps, they are just about to finish the first sack of spuds they opened all those years ago.
A young lad goes to see the Careers Officer. Reckons he can’t decide what to do. Careers Officer enquires, "How old are you?" Lad sez, "Sixteen." Careers Officer says, "Why don’t you take a year off?" Lad replies, "Alright then, fifteen."
I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose. We should always respect older people, because they graduated from High School without the help of Google!
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
Sunday 17 March 2024
The Offside Rule Explained....
Barmy Albert
was smoking a cheroot outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when
Dastardly Derek, the landlord came out and curtly informed him that couldn’t
smoke outside the premises, unless he was fifteen yards away from the building. Albert told him that it didn’t apply to him. The landlord asked Albert why he thought he
was excluded from the laws of the land. Albert cheerily replied: “Because I’m
drinking in the pub across the road.”
A bloke in a
hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted Non-Stick
Nora coming out of Aldi below. He descended further and shouted to Nora:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don’t know where I am." Nora replied, "You’re in a hot air
balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You’re between The
Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and north of Scropton Street abattoir." "You
must be in Information technology."
said the balloonist. "Actually,
I am," replied Nora "How did you know?" "Well,"
answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m
still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve
delayed my trip." Nora responded,
"You must be a Tory politician." "Indeed, I am." replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," sez Nora: "You don’t
know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to the position you
are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no
idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The
fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
it’s my flippin’ fault!” Moral of the
story: Don’t mess with Non-Stick Nora because she’s awesome!
The Offside
Rule Explained for Ladies: You are in a shoe shop, penultimate in the queue for
the cash register. Behind the shop assistant on display, is a pair of shoes
which you have seen and which you would absolutely die for! The young blonde
shopper in front of you has seen them too, and is eyeing them with burning
desire. Both of you have forgotten your
purses. It would be totally rude to
push in front of the blonde bimbo if you had no money to pay for the footwear. The shop assistant remains at the till
waiting. Your friend is trying on
another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your big dilemma. She
prepares to throw her purse to you. If
she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy
the shoes. At a pinch she could throw
the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip
around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering
that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to
push in front of the other shopper. Now
do you understand?
I sheepishly approached a
very beautiful woman in Tesco and said: "I’ve lost my wife here in the
supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked perplexed "Why talk to
me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as
you, the missus just seems to materialise out of nowhere"
I like Aardvarks. Dogs look up to us; cats
look down on us, however, Aardvarks treat us as equals. Aardvarks are cool.
Top Tip: When
picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The missus
wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of
the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me
down with feather.
A neurotic
friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive
insecurity alert…
I had to
change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked
into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my
websitewww.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
Saturday 9 March 2024
The Knitting Needle Nutter Strikes Again!
What with the pension age being increased, coupled with the current cost of living crisis, we are now forced to toil well into our old age. Yesterday, I spotted a pensioner working in the local supermarket car park collecting shopping trolleys. He must’ve been pushing eighty!
I phoned the local council office, last week and the automated voice announced: “If you’d like to speak in Welsh, please press one.” I pressed one, but I still can’t speak Welsh!
The CEO of a large blue-chip company decided to award a prize of £150 for the best idea of saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."
A Scouser got stopped by police coming out of Currys PC World on suspicion of shoplifting. The copper sez to him: "I'm going to perform a search. Do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The crafty Liverpudlian replied: "No. Only Sony and Panasonic...."
Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy.
Crimewatch Latest: Tameside Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the last week. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.
Of course, some folks are so wealthy, they are totally immune and bullet-proof to the present economic downturn. I was watching a faux documentary on Netflix called: ‘Being Victoria Beckham’ and I must confess that I was staggered by the abject affluence that was paraded before my impecunious countenance. Apparently, she owns a top of the range Bentley Turbo and employs a proper liveried chauffeur, complete with uniform and peaked hat. They were bombing it down these narrow country lanes in Hertfordshire, going far too fast for these somewhat precariously cramped thoroughfares, when suddenly, disaster struck! A lone Heffer strayed out of a farm gateway, the chauffeur failed to stop in time and subsequently flattened the poor unfortunate animal onto the tarmacadam. Posh went bananas and screamed at the chauffeur: “If the press get hold of this, there’ll be ructions! Here’s a few hundred quid, go to the farmhouse and sort it out. Keep a lid on it. We want no paparazzi!” The poor chauffeur went and came back four hours later, paralytic drunk, his hat skewiff and a large cigar in his mouth. Posh screamed at him again and asked: “Where’ve you been for the last four hours?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “they opened a valuable bottle of 50 year-old Macallan Malt Whisky that they kept purely for very special occasions!” She sez: “What exactly did you say to them?” he replied: “All I said was that I was Posh Spices chauffeur and I’ve knocked the cow over and they wouldn’t let me go!”
There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
Saturday 2 March 2024
Putin a nutshell....
You can tell
that you're getting old, when you have upstairs Paracetamol and downstairs
Paracetamol. Moreover, when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and you begin
to wonder if there’s anything else that you could be doing while you’re down
there. Of course, back in my day, we had to walk to the telly to change the
channel. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow!
Last week, my
Facebook account got hacked yet again.
That’s the fifth time that I’ve had to rename the dog!
I was on the
train into Manchester, when this bloke sat next to me whipped out his iPhone
and showed me a photo of his missus. He
sez: “She’s beautiful isn’t she?” I replied: “If you think she’s beautiful,
then you should see my wife.” He sez: “Why?
Is she really gawjus too?” I replied: “No. She’s an optician.”
During
February (The wettest month on record!) the singer that sang: ”Raindrops Keep
Falling On My Head.” Has sadly died. He was
drowned!
I went to
get my hair cut last Wednesday and the barber was incessantly chatting about
football, cricket, holidays, kids, dogs and it seemed that there wasn’t any
subject whatsoever he didn’t cover or indeed comment on. Suddenly, he declared: “Do you know that your
hair is going grey?” I sez to him: “Well, get a move on!”
On the same
subject, Putin visits his German hairdresser and as he sits down, the barber
gets straight to work with the scissors and asks Putin: “How are matters in the
Ukraine, Mr President? Is the army fighting well? How are Navy operations
panning out?” Suddenly, Putin snaps: “What’s with all the questions about
Ukraine? Are you really interested in the special military operations so much?” The barber replied: “Not really, Mr President,
it’s just so much easier to cut your hair, when it stands on end.” Tragically,
the barber was reported to have accidentally fallen out of a window, shortly
afterwards and shot himself in the cranium four times after he landed. RIP Herr
Kutt.
Last week,
we said farewell to Stan Bowles. He was 75 and he gained a reputation as one of
the game's great non-conformists and mavericks. He played over 250 league games
for Queens Park Rangers, and earned five England caps. He famously said: “I
blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I
overdid it on the tonic.” I used to bump
into him at many a sportsman's dinner event and I asked him once: “Why didn’t
you join Gamblers Anonymous?” He
replied: “They wouldn’t know where to send my winnings!”
I grilled a
chicken for about an hour yesterday. It still didn't tell me why it crossed the
road. I tried cooking with wine too. After
six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for!
Many moons
ago, when Barmy Albert lived in a block of council flats, up Scropton Street, (behind the abattoir.) He surmised that it was raining and put his hand out the window to verify this
fact. As he did so, a glass eye fell
into his hand! He looked up to see where
it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking downwards. "Is
this yours?" he asked. She sez: "Yes, it is. Could you bring it
up?" and Albert agreed. Upon arrival, she was profuse in her thanks and offered Barmy
Albert a glass of wine. As she was really gorgeous, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she informed him: "I'm
about to have dinner. There's plenty of grub, would you like to join me?" Albert
readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was
drawing to a close the young lady announced: "I've had a brilliant
evening. Would you like to stay the night?" Albert hesitated then sez:
"Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "Definitely not! she replied, "only
those who catch my eye."
I've learned
that things change, life is like a garden gate, people change, you should never
trust a Hefferlump and it doesn't mean you forget the past, like when that
Romanian circus kidnapped your chihuahua and covered it up with clingfilm. It
simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't
mean giving up. It means accepting that some things weren't meant to be,
because the sun can’t swim. So why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my
Jokey-Bloggington and have a chortle! Now, get back to work!
Saturday 24 February 2024
The Dead Duck Farrago....
Yesterday, I
contacted Tameside Hospital to advise them that if my wife's condition
should deteriorate, I hereby give my permission for them to switch off the life
support machine. They curtly informed me
that this isn't an option for a sprained ankle....
I learn
summat new every day! If the missus ever sez: "If anything ever happens to
me, I want you to meet someone new...."
"Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end
of the M67.
Back in the
day, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad
whispered to me: "Where the hell did you find her? She's boss-eyed, bald,
bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to
whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.” When I
eventually got her in my bedroom, she proclaimed: “You’ve never removed a girls
bra before, have you?” I replied: “What makes you say that?” She replied: “The
scissors….”
Fascinating
Fact: Bigamy: one wife too many; Monogamy; same thing.
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle brought a very limp duck into the veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away." A distressed Elsie wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left them in the room, and returned a few moments later with a huge black Labrador Retriever. As Elsie looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad, eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a Siamese cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced an invoice, which he handed to Elsie. still in shock, she took the bill, "£180! she cried, £180 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £180.00."
Non-Stick Nora goes up to the
bar her local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife. She gestures alluringly to
Cyril, the barkeep, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, Nora
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does,
she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you in charge tonight?” she
asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no, but it’s
the landlord’s night off and he’s upstairs" Cyril replied. "Can you
get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond
his beard and into his hair. "I’m
afraid I can’t," breathes Cyril. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a
message," she, continues, running her hands across Cyril’s beard. "What should I tell him?" the
bartender manages to say out of breath. "Tell
him: "she whispers, "there is no bog roll in the ladies khazi."
Isn’t it very sad, when
your kids grow up and leave home to go and stare at their phones somewhere
else? You remember all the happy times you’ve had whilst they were little. When
my daughter Suzie Nellie (26) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary
friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper
Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this,
however, one day; she got upset and stormed upstairs into her bedroom, slamming
the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and
declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend
and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her
eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could
muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”
Barmy Albert is in big
trouble again. After attending a party last week in Stalybridge, he was so
drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes
and tiptoed up very quietly, so as not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when
he got to the top of the stairs that he realized that he was on the 237 bus!
Don't let stress kill you
off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise
your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and
gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better
still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too!
comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
Sunday 18 February 2024
Yes! We Have No Chinese Chicken Wings....
It was fancy
dress night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora had hired some
magnificent costumes and gone dressed as two owls. They were both playing pool in the games room, when
Nora inadvertently potted the white ball. Barmy Albert proclaimed: “That’s two
hits to me!” Nora replied: “Two hits to who?”
Whenever a woman sez: “We need to talk," why is it never about football? I sez to the missus: "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!
Last night,
I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the
finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez,
"Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too
flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"
The wife is
one of four sisters and they’re all named after stones. She has a younger sister called Ruby, a
wonderful sister called Pearl and a lovely older sister called Sapphire. The missus is called Pumice.
A drunk
staggers into a church, enters the confessional booth, sits down but says
nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the inebriated
bloke just sits there in silence.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles:
"Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!
This little
girl sez to her Dad: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to
be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I
have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad.
"You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she
is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few
moments thought and remarked: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Popped into
the local convenience Co-Op store and asked for a box of Ty-Phoo tea bags. The girl behind the counter said: "Sorry, it’s off the shelves, due to the
Houthi Rebels attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea." I sez: "Oh alright, do you have any Chinese
Chicken Wings?" The shop assistant replied: "Ah that’s another problem, it’s been
withdrawn due to the Asian bird flu health scare.” I composed myself, and
proclaimed: "Well do you have any Turkey
Twizzlers?” "Sorry, not available,
due to the health scare" came the repetitive answer. "What about
those spicy chicken rissoles topped with goat’s cheese, garlic and sauté
potatoes?" I politely enquired. She looked at me with disdain and informed
me: "No, can’t supply that item,
due to the current bird flu health scare".
"So, they’re all off the shelves because of the health
scare?" Shop assistant "Yes." With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez
to her: "Just give me forty Lambert and Butler cigarettes, they’ll keep me
off the vapes!” "That’ll be £24.89"
came the reply. Then, to compound an
already unfortunate farrago, our budgie died of flu. It flew under a bus! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
I’ve put on
acres of timber since Christmas. In a desperate bid to lose weight, I’m
employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of
yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight
snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated
fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door
last night and the door fell off its hinges!
I was so
desperate to shed weight, that I made a doctor’s appointment. I outlined the
problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was
referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused
for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently,
I have an overactive knife and fork...
An airline
pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the
runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers alighted, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with our
airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a zimmer frame She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you
a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down by the
Russians?"
Fascinating
Fact: Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a scouser on the new
BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!
Sunday 11 February 2024
Confessions of Tommy Grabknuckle....
I was in
Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the
checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. I told her that I was married and she
shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”
A lifelong
agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his
confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the
panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous
woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy. So, I hid her in the attic.” The priest answered: “That was a wonderful
thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy
opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she
started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes,
pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.”
The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those
years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great
weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly,
what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could
muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?”
Q) What has five toes and
isn't your foot?
A) My foot.
Top Tip: Leaving
a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance
you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.
Non- Stick
Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang.
Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be
home for a while, because he’s in the
Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!”
Doctor
Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a
phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP, who declares: “We need a 4th for golf.” His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor
replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!”
Chester
Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they
asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but
sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he
faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his
final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that
was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others. This is not a typo….
Many years
ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car
and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had
to go. I then purchased a blue car and
found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts. After that I acquired a red car and found
that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the
brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired. It was designed badly. After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow
car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew
it, the yellow car was my proud possession.
Bad move! It turned out to have
an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured. I had no option but to get rid of the
vehicle. These days, I drive a silver
car. No problems whatsoever! If I could recommend my readers to buy a car,
whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the
one to own. However, nowadays, the
government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange
times. We have cars that drive
themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!
Riddle me
this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a
sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no
women there, is he still wrong?
Such is
technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is
the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features
full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by
holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the
Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your
heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked"
"Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the
time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm,
methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely
fruits...