Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like decorations. So, because of this, she decided to throw an impromptu Halloween fancy dress party with all the gory trimmings! Barmy Albert dressed as Frankenstein and Nora wore a Wanda the Witch costume. Nora was busy in the kitchenette making the meal and was cross that Albert was lounging around watching horror movies on Netflix. She shouted: “I thought that you were gonna help me with the cooking!” Albert (in his best Frankenstein voice) replied: “I did the mash!”
Much later, when everyone had gone home and in a moment of genuine reflection, Barmy Albert asked Nora if she’d slept with any other men before marrying him, but Nora said absolutely nothing. He asked again and still no reply was forthcoming. He then opined: “It’s okay. I won’t be annoyed.” she still maintained her silence. Albert then commented: “‘Look, if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, I’ll understand the situation completely.” By then, he was starting to feel quite awkward and most uncomfortable. After another hour had elapsed, he sez: “Look I’m really sorry I said anything in the first place, just forget I ever asked you.” Finally, she looked up and replied: “I wish you’d just stop talking, because l keep losing count!”
Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they DON’T look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well, it's not a full moon yet is it?" I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.
Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them.
Whilst sauntering up Scropton Street, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however, it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know it was my birthday?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, I guarantee everyone will be saying it...
The clocks go back soon. Gaining us all an extra hour of Kier Starmer and the Labour government in 2024. This will be akin to getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album!
Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.
8. You ask for high fibre treats only.
7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. Folk say, "Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you shout: "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.
1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.
Meanwhile, a man and a woman were travelling in on a train to Stalybridge. Suddenly, the woman sez: "Every time you smile, I feel like taking you over to my place." Bashfully, the bloke replied: "Wow! are you single?" The lady answered: "No, I'm a dentist."
I must confess that the missus can be really cruel to me on some occasions. Yesterday, for instance, she advised me that I mustn’t get upset if somebody calls me fat. Then in the next breath she sez: “You're much bigger than that!"
It's most ironic, is it not that the originator of Big Brother, Peter Bazalgette is the great-great grandson of the Victorian engineer, Joseph Bazalgette, the designer and builder of the London sewage system. Interesting to think that his ancestor devoted his life to extricating the sewage out of people's houses, but his modern-day counterpart is devoted to shovelling it back in!
I’m sat in the doctors waiting room feeling sorry for myself, when I spotted octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle. She could hardly walk and was stooped over her walking stick, she took an absolute age to go in. However, when she came out, she was bolt upright and could move at quite a rapid pace. I was totally amazed and I asked her: “What miracle did the doctor perform, to make such an amazing difference?“ She replied: “A longer walking stick…”
Every Hallowe’en, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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