Shack of Sit.....

                                                      

Chester Draws, the extremely wealthy furniture magnate, who founded the blue-chip chair and sofa manufacturing conglomerate ‘Shack of Sit’ sauntered into the golf and country club with a stunning twentyfive year old beauty by his side. This blonde bombshell left virtually everyone in the room speechless, such was her charm and voluptuous appearance.  She clung onto Chester’s arm like a limpet and was totally transfixed with his every word, as if he was the most fascinating geezer on the planet.  Chester’s old mate Sid pulled him to one side and exclaimed: “How did you land a gorgeous girlfriend like that?” Chester grinned and proclaimed to Sid: “She’s not my girlfriend. She is actually my wife!” All his pals are absolutely staggered by this statement and then Sid asked him: “How in tarnation did you persuade her to marry you?” With a saturnine grimace, Chester declared: “I lied about my age!” Sid asked him: “So, you told her that you were fifty?” Chester chuckled and replied: “No. I told her I was ninety!” 

Breaking News: A 34 stone dad who was told to buy two airplane tickets, has ended up with one in row 18 and another in row 21. Mind you, it won’t matter where he is on the plane, he’ll still be sat next to you!

It looks like it’s going to be a freezing winter this year, because yesterday, I saw Kier Starmer with his hands in his own pockets.   My insider source of information told me that he had a tin of beans and hostages for breakfast. Let’s hope that he can stop the small boats crossing the English Channel as quick as he stopped the pensioners winter fuel allowance. The difference between humans and animals is that animals would never allow the dumbest of the herd to lead them.

On their dream holiday, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were driving through Canada on their way out west.  After several miles, it became crystal clear that they were hopelessly lost. Nora consulted the road map, but couldn’t figure out where they actually were, such was the vast terrain that they had already navigated. They were driving along a rural boulevard, when they spotted a farmer standing by the roadside.  Albert sez: “I’ll pull over and see if he can help.” Barmy Albert asks the farmer: “My wife and I appear to have taken a wrong turn. Can you help by telling me exactly where we are.” The farmer replies: “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” Albert gets back in the car and Nora opined: “Well, where the hell are we?” Albert sez: “I don’t know.  He doesn’t speak English!”

Ladies! Listen up!  If perchance you want flowers on the 14th of February 2025, then plant them now!

                                 

In a quite surreal moment, I found the front grill of a Land Rover in my front garden yesterday morning.  It was a bit of a Discovery….

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords and PIN numbers.  I got a pen and paper and said “Thank goodness for that. What are they?” It’s terrible.  I’ve got a head like one of those things in the kitchenette that you put flour through….

An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was.  I told him that it was between 9am and 2pm.  Just to prove it, I pulled a watch out of a small, box that was in an even bigger box! On the same subject, I hear that the billionaire owner of Amazon has left his wife.  Presumably, it was with a neighbour.

When I was a tiddler, my favourite teacher at Scropton Street Primary School was Miss Turtle.  She may have had an odd name but she tortoise well.  I fondly recollect when she took us terrapin bowling.

I often wonder about the people that I’ve lost along the way and I’ve come to the conclusion that I should never have become a tour guide…

Fascinating Fact: Apparently, they are filming a remake of Never-Ending Story. It starts off with a bloke asking his missus how her day went. I asked Alexa: “What do women really want?”  That was three days ago and she still hasn’t shut up!

Woman at last night’s gig shouts “You’re uncouth!” A tad unfair, I surmised, but I thought, if I had a pound for every time a woman has called me uncouth, then I’d be considered quite sophisticated.

                                  

BREAKING NEWS: Fire-fighters rescued a blonde girl who became trapped in a tumble dryer at the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama. She was reportedly unharmed other than being quite dizzy and missing a sock.

Remember that there will always be a ‘LIE’ in Believe, an ‘OVER’ in Lover, an ‘END’ in Friend, an ‘US’ in Trust and an ‘IF’ in Life.  More profound factoids and hilarious anecdotal gubbins can be located on my website.  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. It really does not matter how far you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. Now, get back to work!