Non-Stick Nora came home from bingo to find Barmy Albert in the kitchenette shaking frantically, almost in a break-dancing frenzy, with some manner of cable running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a frying pan. Up to that minute, he had been happily listening to Oasis and throwing some shapes to the rendition of Wonderwall on his iPod! This impromptu whack around the cranium caused Albert to experience a profound epiphany. Indeed, the following day, whilst languishing in his local pub, ‘The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’ He reflected on all the beer he’d larruped down over the decades and reached the obvious conclusion that he imbibed far too much. Upon grim realisation that this situation must be remedied, he decided there and then to become teetotal. Upon gazing into his empty tankard, he felt total and utter shame. Just then, he thought about the brewery workers, such as the coopers that make the barrels and the draymen who deliver them. All the brewers and their underlings who manufacture the finished product, using malt, barley, hops, yeast and many other active constituents and fine ingredients. Moreover, what about all the staff in the accounts, sales and administration departments? If he didn’t pop into his local for a few beers most nights, all these innocent folk would be unemployed. They would lose their homes and families, all because of his own selfish attitude. So, he ordered another beer, rather than ruin folk’s dreams and desires. It would have been wholly inconsiderate and selfish of him to do otherwise. The difference between Barmy Albert and Superman is that Superman has super vision, whereas our Albert needs supervision...
The missus actually apologised to me last week. She confessed that she’s sorry that she ever married me! Of course, any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles: 1) – Women. 2) – Fractions. Of course, a lot of women say their husband's never listen to them. I must confess that I have never heard my wife say anything of that nature. Unless I wasn’t listening….
The Good News: I got six numbers up on the Eskimo Lottery! The Bad News: They refused to pay me. Apparently, you have to be Inuit to win you it.
Breaking news: A man was injured by a steamroller. Tameside Police are unsure what actually happened as evidence is very thin on the ground. The man was taken to Tameside Hospital and is in Wards 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 and 8.
Non-Stick Nora was in the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama gossiping to old Elsie Grabknuckle about how the new generation lack any proper common-sense or actual savoir-faire. Nora was entirely in agreement with Elsie’s observations and opined: “They don’t realise that knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Whereas, wisdom is not putting it in a trifle…. “ Elsie replied: ““The main problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.”
My 4 year old nephew is learning Spanish but still can’t say please, which I think is poor for four.
Fascinating Fact: Last Thursday, I finished my five hours Speed Awareness Course in just two hours and fifteen minutes. Result!
I put a clean pair of socks on every single day and by the time Thursday comes around, I can't get me boots on! Maybe it’s because I can only sleep on a pile of old magazines. I've got back issues.
While doing a gig last week, I've been told that Joe Pasquale speaks very highly of me.
Got a gardener round the other day to look and give me some advice on my Japanese garden. I sez to him do you know much about Bonsai trees? He replied: “Very little.”
When you’re dead, you personally don’t know that you are deceased, so it doesn’t affect you personally. However, it is very difficult for others. It’s an identical scenario when you are stupid. Moreover, if you want to really know exactly how dead you are, then just put a % mark after your current age. If you want to know how stupid you are, did you vote Labour at the last election? So, now you know!
Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy, when you assume a comical position.
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