Isn’t it ironic that the hour we lost over the weekend, was the exact same hour I intended to go to the gym? Last time I went on the rowing machine, it sank! Whenever I go on it nowadays, I just sit there and drift. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
Before the war, the Russian Army was widely acknowledged as the second best army in the world. Currently, they’re not even the second best army in Ukraine.
Over many years, it has been well documented that Old Trafford is an extremely difficult ground for any team to win at. Could this be the reason why Manchester United are struggling this season?
I ran out of petrol today, so rang my insurance company for roadside assistance but instead they wrote my car off.
Non Stick Nora was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made Barmy Albert’s favourite cake and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a miniscule slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone! Nora was upset with her lack of willpower and she knew Albert would be so disappointed. Of course he never found out, because she made another cake and ate half of that as well!
I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked. “Well I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.” She gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied: “What makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”
I chose to ignore her sage remark and continued: “When I do eventually pass away, I’m leaving everything to you.” She then curtly informed me: “You already do, you lazy sod!”
Young Willie Eckerslyke went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The father replied, "Do you see those four trees, over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." Young Willie replied, "But dad, I only see two!”
I’ve no idea why they call it Alcoholics Anonymous, because when I attended, I knew everyone there! What’s all that about then?
I asked Dastardly Derek if he liked Tolstoy. He wholeheartedly agreed that he did. When I pressed him on which story was his favourite, he sez: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!” They walk among us!
The iPhone's connected to the Apple Watch, the watch is connected to the iPad, the iPad's connected to the Wi-Fi, the Wi-Fi's connected to the bluetooth, the bluetooth's connected to the iCloud, the iClouds connected to the..... Technology! Doncha just luvvit! .
The odd-job man I hired was a total waste of time. I left him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done one, three, five and seven....