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Sunday 20 March 2022

Crocodiles & Alligators....


I often wonder about all the people that I have lost along the way and I reckon that packing my job in as a tour guide was the right thing to do.

Fascinating Fact: Vladimir Putin’s ideal weight is 8 lbs, including the urn.

Barmy Albert told Non Stick Nora: "How about I take you to a Michelin starred restaurant, and we have caviar, champagne or whatever you like?" Nora replied: "I don't need all of that, let's just go for a romantic drive instead over the pennines." Albert sez: "Oh, sorry but I wasn't thinking of spending that kind of money!"

It’s getting worse! I spotted a car with a sign on the windscreen that said: “There is no fuel left in this vehicle overnight....” Who’d a thowt it?

Yesterday morning, I spotted my neighbour actually talking to her cat. It was painfully obvious that she genuinely thought that the feline understood her every word! I came back into my house and told my little dog Alfie all about this and we both fell about laughing!

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied: "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez: "No, but he always wanted to be."

Instead of giving all our MP’s a pay rise …. Let’s all stand on the doorstep at 8pm and clap instead!

What’s the difference between a house and a home? A House is what you live in. A Home is where your kids want to put you in, so they can sell your house.

I attended a seminar where a tax inspector showed us how to fill in a self assessment tax form. Then we had a self employed bricklayer from Barnsley and he showed us how to fill in a tax inspector.

Whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. "Definitely not,sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are considered a health hazard!" "That's okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then."

It's relatively easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas the other will see you later.

Yesterday, I phoned Radio Tameside to enter their Mystery Prize competition. The presenter answered and sez: "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize". "Fastastic!" I replied.

The presenter informed me that it was a maths question. “Superb, I’m good at maths!” "Okay then, to win our grand prize of two tickets to any future Manchester United game, including a meal and all drinks, plus full hospitality in the Premier Lounge and meet all the players after, Tell me, what is 2+2 ?" After much thought, I replied: "Seven?”


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