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Saturday, 5 March 2022

The Temporary Tattoo Parlour....



Imagine that a small band of extremely wealthy billionaire psychopaths could make you believe anything that they wanted simply by controlling what is broadcast on the telly. Who’d a thowt it?

This Tuesday was International Women’s day. It was supposed to be on Monday, but they weren’t ready in time. Of course, we lads are well used to this situation. I shouted upstairs to the missus: “How much longer are you gonna be?” She replied: “I told you an hour ago, I’ll only be ten minutes!” 

Last year, I was going to have a tattoo for my birthday, but I only have a small garden and thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes. Anyway, in the end, I reneged and eventually got a tattoo from a temporary tattoo parlour. It’s been over a year now and the tattoo is still there. I went back to complain and the place had gone.


Is it just me or does anyone else think that manufacturers should write the words shampoo and conditioner in bigger print, so we can see it clearly in the shower, without needing specs which steam up and get wet so you can’t see anyway?

I came home yesterday and all the kids were on eBay. If there are no decent offers for them, I’ll reduce the price tomorrow. Last year, I sold a homing pigeon on eBay 241 times.


The missus sez: “We’d have less arguments if you weren’t so pedantic.” I replied: “fewer arguments.” That’s when the fight started!

Visited a restaurant in Manchester yesterday lunchtime and the first thing that they told us was that the Russian Salad was off menu. I don’t like those Russian dolls either. They’re so full of themselves. The local DIY shop has started selling Putin doors. They’re unhinged!

Innit awful gerrin auld? You know that you’re over 60 when you have “Upstairs Paracetamol” and “Downstairs Paracetamol”.

Barmy Albert was telling Non Stick Nora that Mick, who was one of his old school mates and never smoked or imbibed alcohol and exercised every single day, had dropped dead at the tender age of 51. Nora was amazed and asked Albert what had happened. Albert sez: “His parachute didn’t open....”

I was at the cinema last night and this bloke in front of me had his dog with him. The hound appeared to be actually engrossed in the movie. When the film concluded, I sez to the bloke: “This might sound daft, but your dog seemed to really enjoy that.” He replied: “Yeah, I was surprised too, because he hated the book...”

Q) My child refuses to eat fish. What can I replace it with?

A) A cat. Cats love fish.


I was complementing my lovely young neighbour on the beautiful underwear she was wearing, but she couldn’t hear me through my night vision binoculars...


As my picture(s) show, I worked with my old mate Razor Ruddock last Friday. He is an incorrigible after-dinner speaker and nothing whatsoever fazes him. I like his style. He reckons that if folks don’t walk away from you shaking their heads, then you’re doing summat wrong!



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