Putin's Progress...

                                                                   

Because of McDonalds, KFC and Burger King shutting down all of their restaurants in Russia, the entire country has now become now a no-fry zone.



Q) What’s the difference between Vladimir Putin and a bucket of shit?

A) The bucket.



Doncha just hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache, then suddenly, she's not your friend anymore. Very fickle, some folks are.



Petrol and diesel prices have risen to such an alarming extent that Manchester cabbies are now taking the shortest route!

                                                            

A Moscow man buys a newspaper glances at the front page, then throws it away. Next few days, he does exactly the same again. Eventually the newsagent asks “Why do you keep doing that?” “I’m just checking for an obituary” The newsagent sez: “But obituaries aren't on the front page.” “Oh, the one I'm looking for will be!” answers the bloke....



Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....



Fascinating Fact: Apparently, there is a tiny island off the coast of Italy that’s inhabited by Five Million Sicilian people. Wow! That's the biggest number I ever heard of. They must be crammed in like sardines!

                                         

Barmy Albert has got a 1997 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol. He’s looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house in a leafy suburb.



Researchers claim that laughing for two minutes is more health beneficial than jogging for twenty minutes. So I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!



My wife calls it multitasking. I call it doing summat else while I desperately try to remember what I was doing in the first place. I can actually forget what I’m doing, while I’m doing it!



Breaking News: Chelsea are now so broke that Marcus Rashford is providing packed lunches for them. Caviar and Russian salad are off the menu. As Chelsea face up to a trophy-less future, because they’re skint and are unable to spend vast sums on transfers, many fans are wondering just how long government sanctions have been in place at Tottenham...

                                                        

I asked the young lady at my local Co op: “Excuse me, but do you sell Quorn?” She replied: “Yes, we do. What kind would you like?” I replied: “On the Quob.” She looked at me in a perplexed manner and sez: “Does matron know that you’re out of bed again?”

                                            

Innit awful gerrin auld? When you think back to when ‘A new hip joint’ meant somewhere that you’d go on a Friday night....



I’m giving up drinking until Easter. Sorry. Incorrect punctuation. I’m giving up. Drinking until Easter.



Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!