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Sunday 17 December 2017

Smash A Hippy Cat!


Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! I'm so skint this Christmas. I've just opened the door on my advent calendar and there was a bailiff stood there serving me with a county court summons! There's been a big downturn in the sale of advent calendars this year. I always said their days were numbered.


The wife was wrapping presents so I asked her if she could do it blindfolded. "I probably could" she said ."Fantastic!” I sez, “ I'll just go and get yours!”


I bought my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App. I can’t shut it off either, it just keeps on and on...

Thought for Thursday: Adults are just kids who owe money.

Severe weather warnings for UK. Knee deep in snow, gale force winds, black ice and treacherous conditions! Southerners do not venture out unless your journey is absolutely essential. Northerners take note. You’ll need your BIG coat.


My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for a Christmas prezzie?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes-Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes!" She said breathlessly. "Well I've got you a hairbrush the exact same colour."

The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for Christmas to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out.

Never take any notice whatsoever of all these misinformed folk who pontificate about getting your Christmas shopping done early, in order to avoid the crowds. I did mine a full twelve months early and the shops were jam-packed with punters!


I hear on the showbiz grapevine that Little Mix have announced that they are playing at Anfield next year. I'm putting a £10 win on a 2-2 draw.

Ever since I started penning this hilarious column (back in 2002!) my grammer, spellinging and vocabulary is so much moore gooder! Furthermore, I nac type 300 wrods pre minuet. So there!

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.  Santa wrote back: 'Send me your mother...'


If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home! Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! Now, get carving that turkey!


Thursday 14 December 2017




1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells


Sunday 10 December 2017

The Grotto....


I took my grandson to see Father Christmas last weekend, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong with you?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I flamin’ well hate it!” Santa replied....

Whilst going through some old photos, I came across one of me sitting excitedly on Santa's knee, giggling like a little schoolgirl. I can't believe a year has passed since that was taken! Tempus fugit, innit!



There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyf called Joey, innit? He well fit ann duz joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s total gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!


I was larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer in my local tavern, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I sez to this voluptuous woman, "Can I kiss you under the mistletoe?" She replied, "I wouldn't kiss you under an anaesthetic!"..... Oh dear, hat & coat time already..


Two old caterpillars are nibbling on a dock leaf when all of a sudden a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Hey dude, you'd never get me up in one of those things”.


Fascinating Fact: Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.


If a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody there, does it make a sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?


At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will en able him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind, you can visit my website for more Christmastide crackers! Click on:


Sunday 3 December 2017

The Opportunity....


The wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.  I sez to her: "It's not what it looks like..."

It was absolutely freezing last week, with minus two degrees temperatures on most days. The missus informed me that she was going out to scrape the car. I asked her: “Against what?”

She then curtly informed me: ”There's no such thing as problems, there are only opportunities." I replied, "That's brilliant! Because I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Things To Look Forward To In 2018....
· Cars – Driverless

· Comedians - Humourless

• Technology – Wireless

• Cooking – Fireless

• Locks – Keyless

• Food – Fatless

• Tires –Tubeless

• Dress – Sleeveless

• Youth – Jobless

• Government – Shameless

• Relationships – Meaningless

• Attitudes – Careless

• Feelings – Heartless

• Education – Valueless

• Children – Mannerless

• Country – Godless

Thought for Thursday: Hypothetically, if you sawed a horse in half and banged the two halves together, would they sound like a coconut? Asking for a fiend.

I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth
on an individual.

Barmy Albert has just applied for a job in the Citroen factory. He had to send in 2 CVs. Last week, he started a new job at the local helium factory. However, by 10 am, he walked out. He sez: “I’m not having them twats talking to me like that!”

Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to Little Johnny. "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely cake." "If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two cakes?"


Overheard a woman on her phone in the High Street. The conversation went thus: "We're going to a surprise birthday party on Saturday night. I can't wait to see who it is."

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! You can email me:


The Five Stages of Drunkennesh...


Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right
and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH (Does not apply to 5 euros) This is when you suddenly
become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire
bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this
stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will
always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the
knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of
the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE
than them anyway.

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the



Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not
only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum
of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what
happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would
remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of
you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them,
too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.



1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still
feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and side of fries.

2 Star Hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because
her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen
doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet
you haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide
the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending
on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a
reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a
weeks pay for one of the following; home time, a doughnut and somewhere
to be alone or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out
the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking
past them.

5 Star Hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems
pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe......very gently.

6 Star Hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the
room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble
out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will
remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the
whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit
there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world
you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if
it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the
last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.