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Sunday, 3 December 2017

The Opportunity....


The wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.  I sez to her: "It's not what it looks like..."

It was absolutely freezing last week, with minus two degrees temperatures on most days. The missus informed me that she was going out to scrape the car. I asked her: “Against what?”

She then curtly informed me: ”There's no such thing as problems, there are only opportunities." I replied, "That's brilliant! Because I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Things To Look Forward To In 2018....
· Cars – Driverless

· Comedians - Humourless

• Technology – Wireless

• Cooking – Fireless

• Locks – Keyless

• Food – Fatless

• Tires –Tubeless

• Dress – Sleeveless

• Youth – Jobless

• Government – Shameless

• Relationships – Meaningless

• Attitudes – Careless

• Feelings – Heartless

• Education – Valueless

• Children – Mannerless

• Country – Godless

Thought for Thursday: Hypothetically, if you sawed a horse in half and banged the two halves together, would they sound like a coconut? Asking for a fiend.

I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth
on an individual.

Barmy Albert has just applied for a job in the Citroen factory. He had to send in 2 CVs. Last week, he started a new job at the local helium factory. However, by 10 am, he walked out. He sez: “I’m not having them twats talking to me like that!”

Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to Little Johnny. "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely cake." "If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two cakes?"


Overheard a woman on her phone in the High Street. The conversation went thus: "We're going to a surprise birthday party on Saturday night. I can't wait to see who it is."

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! You can email me:


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