I took my grandson to see Father Christmas last weekend, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong with you?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I flamin’ well hate it!” Santa replied....
Whilst going through some old photos, I came across one of me sitting excitedly on Santa's knee, giggling like a little schoolgirl. I can't believe a year has passed since that was taken! Tempus fugit, innit!
THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyf called Joey, innit? He well fit ann duz joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s total gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!
I was larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer in my local tavern, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I sez to this voluptuous woman, "Can I kiss you under the mistletoe?" She replied, "I wouldn't kiss you under an anaesthetic!"..... Oh dear, hat & coat time already..
Two old caterpillars are nibbling on a dock leaf when all of a sudden a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Hey dude, you'd never get me up in one of those things”.
Fascinating Fact: Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
If a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody there, does it make a sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will en able him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind, you can visit my website for more Christmastide crackers! Click on: www.ComedianUK.com
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