Many months ago, I visited the doctor about my hearing and he prescribed some drops and told me to put 2 drops per day in my beer. I’ve been doing this now for ages and still no improvement.
Non-Stick Nora and Elsie Grabknuckle were having a chat in the Scropton Street Laundrette & Washerama. "Elsie, I just don’t know what to do," Nora sez to her friend. "That good-looking Chester Draws from the betting shop has asked me out on a date tomorrow. Do you think I should go?" "Gadzooks!" shrieks Elsie. "He’ll take you to Wetherspoons and then the kebab shop and then use any old excuse to get you up to his council flat. Then he’ll rip your frock off and make love with you all night.” “What should I do?" asks Nora. To which Elsie replied: "Wear an old gansy."
I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife when this bald bloke asked me: "Do you know where I can get a toupee?" I replied: "Off the top of my head, No."
Last week, what with Storm Éowyn rapidly approaching, Barmy Albert took Met office, RAC and Health and Safety advice when travelling, he loaded the car with warm clothes, blankets, food, large flask of soup, water, torch, spare batteries, spare phone, large spade, a tow rope, and Wellington boots. He then realised there was no room in the car for Nora and the grandkids, so he has gone away on his own for a few days. Result!
There was a hard frost and minus zero temperatures yesterday morning when I took my quad bike to do some off-road rallying. As I perambulated across the rough terrain, I genuinely thought that I could hear tubular bells. However, it was just my cold field....
Fascinating Fact: I made every endeavor to read the whole of the dictionary in bed last night. I didn't manage to finish it. I got up to P.
Recently in America (where else!) a ‘Husband Mega-Store’ opened. Women could first peruse, and then choose a husband from a multitude of males. It spread across five floors, with men possessing more positive attributes as one ascended. The only rule was, once you entered any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a level, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. Three girlfriends paid a visit to find some husbands. On the first floor, a sign announced, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women observed the sign and pondered, "I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went, to floor two, where the sign read, “These men are highly paid, adore children, and are most handsome”. “Hmmm,” they were impressed, but being typical women, “ Lets go further up!” On the third floor, a sign bearing the legend, "These men are wealthy, good-looking hunks who love kids and DIY". "Wahay!" shouted the women, “Very tantalising.” But there was yet another floor, so onward and upward they journeyed. The fourth elevation displayed a notice declaring, “These men are affluent millionaires, and they worship children, are extremely attractive, do housework and are incurable romantics”. “I don’t believe it,” they exclaimed, “Imagine what will be further on!” On the final floor the sign proclaimed, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are virtually impossible to please. The way out is straight ahead; we hope that you fall down the stairs”.
The missus was quite annoyed and shouted: "Ever since you bought those Walkie-Talkies, you've been acting like a big kid." I replied: Acting like a big what? Over!"
I was reflecting on the fact that I would’ve been five years sober today, if I’d have quit drinking five years ago. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That’s a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, like cars and men." "What’s your name?" she asked. "Beerandmanu.” he replied.
Barmy Albert attended a job interview at Scropton Street Abbatoir. The head slaughterman asked him: "What are your strengths?" Albert replied: "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" asked the head slaughterman. Albert sez: "Yes, when do I start?"
Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!
