Trump has returned! Biden was forced to stand down because of early-onset rigor mortis. In order to comprehend the American mindset, last week, while I was in Manchester, I asked a guy from Arkansas to advise me of the primary difference between the USA and the UK. He told me: “You see that building over there. Back in the States, we have buildings over fifty times bigger!” I sez: “I’m not surprised. It’s a lunatic asylum!”
One sunny Saturday morning, Non-Stick Nora was at the bus stop with her six-year old grandkid, Frankie, waiting for their ride up to Scropton Street Precinct. As they waited, Nora leaned down and sez: “When we get on the bus, I’ll buy a ticket for myself. If the driver asks, just tell him you’re five so we don’t have to pay for your ticket, okay?” Frankie dutifully nodded, albeit being a tad perplexed, but eager to please his grandma. When the bus eventually arrived, they climbed aboard, and Nora bought an adult ticket. The driver, a shady-looking character with a face like a careless beekeeper, glanced down at Frankie and announced: “Hello there, young man! What’s your name?” “Frankie!” he answered proudly. “And how old are you, Frankie?” the driver asked. With a big smile, Little Frankie tells him: “I’m five years old!” The driver gave him a saturnine grimace and replied: “Well then, Frankie, when will you be six?” Without hesitation, Frankie chortled and sez: “As soon as I get off this bus!”
Gladys was the wife of the Reverend John Dunn and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. After an exceptionally long-winded sermon one particular Sunday, she approached a bored looking newcomer and introduced herself: “Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn.” To which the gentleman replied: “You're not the only one!”
Sometimes, you can misinterpret what has just been said to you and unintentionally counteract with a wholly inappropriate response. Yesterday, for instance the missus sez to me: “Is it just me, or has the dog got fat over Christmas?” I replied: “No, it's just you.” That’s when the fight started!
Barmy Albert’s car wouldn't start yesterday morning. He peered beneath the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block. The bat sez: "A very good morning to you sir, and might I remark how splendidly handsome you look today?" Albert knew the problem straight away: It was bat flattery!
Art, Bart and Fargo were all totally paralytic drunk in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and so decided to commandeer the services of a hackney carriage to take them all home. As soon as the taxi driver picked them up, he noticed how bladdered they all were, so decided to play a practical joke on them. He duly fired up the engine and let it idle for a few minutes and then switched it off. With a straight face, he told his passengers that they had all arrived at their destination. Art fumbled around for his wallet and bunged the cabbie a tenner. Bart did exactly the same and they both staggered out of the vehicle. Suddenly, Fargo lost the plot and whacked the driver around the cranium with his umbrella. Quite shocked, the driver concluded that they mustn’t have been as intoxicated as he originally surmised. “Hey! What was that for?” he protested, while examining the lump on his head. Fargo slurred: “Next time, watch your speed. You almost got us all killed!”
I overheard a mother talking to her kid in Tesco and she asked the child: “What are the two magic words to use to get what you want in life?” The kid thought for a moment and replied: “I’m offended ...”
As I was flicking through the channels on the Sky TV, I encountered a programme that I watched for about five minutes, whereupon, this bloke was listing a lot of great things to do for fun. It was only then that I realised that I was watching one of the religious channels and he was reading a list of sins!
Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...
When I was young, I was poor. However, after many years of extremely hard work, I am no longer young.
RIP The King Denis Law. I fondly recollect when he was interviewed a few years ago on Talk Sport and the presenter asked him if the team from his day would beat the present Man Utd squad. He replied: “Yeah, about 1 – 0, I reckon.” The interviewer sez: “Why so close a score?” The Lawman replied; “Well, we’re all in our eighties now....” Farewell dear friend. There’ll never be another. Until we meet again.
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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