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Monday 30 April 2018

Definitions by Gender....


                              


 GUBBINS:
 female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
 male: A fastener on women's clothing.

VULNERABLE:
 female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
 male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

 COMMUNICATION:
 female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
 male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

 BUM:
 female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
 male: What you slap when someone scores a goal.
 Also good for mooning.

 COMMITMENT:
 female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
 male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

 ENTERTAINMENT:
 female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
 male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

 FLATULENCE:
 female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
 male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
 bonding.

                                 

Saturday 28 April 2018

21 Reasons Why The English Language Is So Hard To Learn:

                     
                                     

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
 present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it
an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
   
                                           

The Argument....

                                     


Breaking News: Home Secretary Amber Rudd has resigned on the 29th April. Just before May.   It would appear that The Tories are now rudderless....
                                 

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The bloke sez "Yes, I'm in room 118. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue." The fella replies "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."


After much deliberation I have decided to write a play about dieting as I think it would appeal to a much bigger audience

                                                    The dyslexic, incontinent goldfish....
                                       


If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed humans picking up dog excrement who would they think are the dominant species?



I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did, was throw him out of the cinema. I fondly recollect the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket,he sez: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket"



If anybody else stops me on the High Street, asking for directions, I shall have no option but to tell them where to go!
                                               



Breaking News: Just heard there was an explosion at a pie shop in Wigan. 141,592 are feared dead...

Fascinating Fact: Grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it.



I went into my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and they were doing free ear piercing or as the locals call it, Ladies Darts Night...



I had just pulled up on the drive last weekend and spotted a burglar running out of the back door and jumping over the fence. The missus must have put up a good fight though. She was naked, drenched in sweat and had difficulty walking.



I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust. Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I’m depressed and miserable.

                                                   




The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......



I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did was throw him out of the cinema.



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Only work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



                                               


Tuesday 24 April 2018

A few pics from St.Georges Day Lunch @ Principle, Manchester with Gary Marshall.

                                                                          Program
                                                                   Proceedings
                                                            Austin Knight & Michael Hurst
                                                                 Vince Miller & Austin Knight
                                                      Comedians Gary Marshall & Austin Knight

Saturday 21 April 2018

A Few Pics From Hong Kong 7's Rugby Gig....

                                                                     Carbine Club Luncheon
                                                               Hong Kong F.C.
                                                                           Stadium
                                                             Gone Fishin'
                                                          Me With With Rob Jones
                                                                   Out & About in HK!
                                                            Joanne @ UB40 Kick-off Concert.
                                                           A Day In Kowloon!
                                                       Poolside @ Hyatt Grand Hotel.






The Nutty Neighbour...


                          

My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert is most upset. He has lost his dog and is inconsolable. The canine in question has been on the missing list for well over a week. I strongly advised Albert to put an ad in the paper, in an effort to ascertain the errant woofers whereabouts. When I went round to see him yesterday, Barmy Albert informed me that there had been no response whatsoever. I asked him exactly what wording he used in the advertisement and he replied “Come here boy!”



He was most attached to his dog though. It was one of those Jack Russell types and was always jumping up at you when you visited. I went round to see Albert a couple of weeks ago and he offered me a dish of his home made vegetable soup. The dog was going crazy and doing virtual somersaults, cartwheels and back-flips during my brief visit. I asked Albert why the animal was so highly-strung and Albert laconically replied “You’ve got his bowl.”

                                             


Every time the doorbell rings, our dog goes and sits in the corner. My wife says it’s because he’s a boxer.



A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The atom didn't react.



Breaking News: A nine year old girl has disappeared after using that moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

                                                        


I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust. Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I’m depressed and miserable.



Fascinating Fact: If an onion is the only vegetable that makes you cry, what if someone chucked a swede at you?.


                            

The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......

                                        


I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did was throw him out of the cinema.



I phoned tech services and sez I had a problem and she sez "Right click on Tools, Accounts and then Internet Options..." I replied: "Hang on! You're going too fast!" She sez:"What have you done up to now?" I replied: "I've written click..."





If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Only work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                     


Monday 16 April 2018

The 24th of April....



It’s a very special day next Tuesday the 24th of April. Not only is my lovely daughter Suzie, celebrating 21 years of age, but my good friend Tommy Docherty is 90! Many happy returns!

                   


I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she'd show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible!

                             


I have just taken up transcendental meditation. It certainly beats sitting around doing nothing all day.


Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.


                                           

Fascinating Fact: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

I asked the missus, "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish," she replied. "Absolute garbage." "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."

                                   


I took the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) to a fancy restaurant in Manchester. While studying the menu she asked, "What’s fillet mignon?" I noted it was £50, so thinking fast, I replied, "It’s pickled rat’s spleen with marzipan. Why do you ask?"

Suddenly, I got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

                                                     


Breaking News: ASDA have announced that they are to create 12,000 new jobs in the UK. The Polish Prime Minister is said to be "Absolutely delighted!"



The National Eczema Association are currently raising funds and making every endeavour to raise both their profile and public awareness of this irritating skin disorder. They have launched a scratch card.



Security guards dragged a bloke off a Ryanair flight yesterday and all the other passengers demanded an upgrade....


Fascinating Facts: Feng Shui Tip: Make sure all the chairs face the TV. Did you know that I’ve conducted more orchestras than you can shake a stick at?



I have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


                                               



The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!

Monday 2 April 2018

The Easter Egg Hunt...

                                                                             
This year, April Fool’s day and Easter fell on the same day, so we got the kids to go on an Easter egg hunt to find eggs that we had never hidden! Brilliant!                                                 


In my local pub, the Pit-bull & Stanley Knife, up Scropton St, Dastardly Denis, the landlord was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it would win the money. Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1,000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little bloke quietly replied: "I work for The Inland Revenue."

You can tell a lot about people by the type of paper they buy. For instance, if they buy this newspaper, they want to keep up with local news and what’s happening in the area that they live. If they buy the Guardian paper they're probably Liberal Lefties. If they buy the Mail paper they're might be Right Wing Creationists. If they buy sandpaper they're definitely Australian Cricketers.


It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...



Any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles:

1) - Women.

2) - Fractions

                                        


A nervous little man walked into a corner shop in a small town. “I want to buy all your over-ripe vegetables and stale eggs”, he said. “Well”, said the shopkeeper with a twinkle in his eyes, “You must be going to see the new comedian at the theatre tonight.” “Not so loud”, said the little man, looking around hesitatingly, “I am the new comedian!”





Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and asks, "Nationality?" She sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."


                            

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'


                                       



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com