Breaking News: Home Secretary Amber Rudd has resigned on the 29th April. Just before May. It would appear that The Tories are now rudderless....
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The bloke sez "Yes, I'm in room 118. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue." The fella replies "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."
After much deliberation I have decided to write a play about dieting as I think it would appeal to a much bigger audience
The dyslexic, incontinent goldfish....
If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed humans picking up dog excrement who would they think are the dominant species?
I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did, was throw him out of the cinema. I fondly recollect the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket,he sez: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket"
If anybody else stops me on the High Street, asking for directions, I shall have no option but to tell them where to go!
Breaking News: Just heard there was an explosion at a pie shop in Wigan. 141,592 are feared dead...
Fascinating Fact: Grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it.
I went into my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and they were doing free ear piercing or as the locals call it, Ladies Darts Night...
I had just pulled up on the drive last weekend and spotted a burglar running out of the back door and jumping over the fence. The missus must have put up a good fight though. She was naked, drenched in sweat and had difficulty walking.
I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust. Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I’m depressed and miserable.
The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......
I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did was throw him out of the cinema.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Only work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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